The phase of differentiation in a couple

At the beginning of any relationship, the interaction of the couple is like a fairy tale: lovers can’t get enough of each other. They are attuned to each other, like sensitive radars, and soft, like cat’s paws. They perceive their partner as amazing and beautiful and are filled with wonderful tenderness when they see them. It seems that the couple thinks and feels the same way. And this inspires them and carries on the wings of love for some time. The partner seems ideal. And even if something is not quite right, no one wants to “ruin the magic” – we will deal with it later…

“We are so similar – it’s just incredible!”, “We finish each other’s sentences!”, “I just think about him – and he calls. This is some kind of magic!”, “We are like two halves of one whole”, “We are destined to be together – I feel it!”

This is the stage of fusion or symbiosis, in which attachment to each other is formed. Therefore, it is even more difficult to acknowledge the inevitable stage of differentiation – it is the separation that follows the stage of fusion. And it seems to be a real cooling of the relationship – this may be very painful after the fluffy cloud of idealization.

At this stage, people gradually separate from each other and the couple. It’s like when everything was common, for two – and now there is “mine”, there is “yours”, and there is “ours”. There is a need to have some personal space and time.

It doesn’t always happen in a couple at the same time.

Zoe tells her friend in frustration: “Before, he only needed me. But now he wants to go out with his friends and colleagues… Am I not enough for him? Am I not that important to him anymore?”

Tony tries to explain to Zoe that he sometimes needs to be alone, that his personal space is not an attempt to run away from her, but a simple need to “unglue” sometimes and feel like a separate person. But Zoe still worries.

Zoe is still at the stage of merging, and Tony’s “demarche” seems to her like the end of love, the “beginning of the end”. After all, yesterday they couldn’t get enough of each other, and now…

But in fact, nothing terrible is happening. This is a natural change, which is necessary for a couple so that it develops and functions in a healthy way.

Carl Whitaker, an American physician and family therapist, said: “A person must learn for a very long time how to become a part of the “We” without destroying themselves.”

This precise and clear phrase describes the fundamental nature of the second stage of the relationship. If you stay at the first stage, it turns into something formless, where everyone loses themselves. This cannot contribute to good relations in any way, because there is no one to love – people are dissolved in each other, the personalities lose their shapes and essence (desires, needs, interests).

At the stage of differentiation comes the understanding that the person who is next to you does not always make you happy: sometimes they even irritate you, but before you did not notice this…

It turns out that her voice becomes somehow high and shrill when she is angry. And he forgets to take a shower, and this is infuriating.

It turns out that she confuses countries with continents, how can this be? And he laughs at crude jokes and loves “Comedy Club” – this is so vulgar!

It turns out that we do not have the same taste… We like different films, and he/she does not read books at all, unlike me…

Why didn’t all this happen before, but now it suddenly came to the fore? Am I falling out of love with him/her?

In fact, of course, these traits have always been there… It’s just that at the first stage, people present their positive sides to each other. That is, not quite themselves, or rather, not “all” of themselves. And yes, at first, we see our partner through rose-colored glasses, which become less and less rosy by the stage of differentiation.

The main realization of this period, which not all couples can cope with, is: “My partner is just an ordinary person with their own shortcomings.” Who could have known?

So how to deal with it? As with a fact of life. Yes, she is not a fairy, and he is not a prince. And… that’s okay! ☺ On the contrary, it’s time to get to know the real partner, not a cartoon character – and accept them as such, without idealizing or demonizing.

Differentiation is a very significant stage. For a couple, it is an important task that needs to be solved. And it must be done correctly. At this stage, boundaries are built. People can learn to feel not only the “common” needs of the couple but also their own personal needs.

Absolutely everything in the world is changing. If we are not moving forward, then we are moving backward – there is no other way. The stage of differentiation is not terrible if you understand what it is about, what meaning it carries, and that its beginning is a sign that the relationship is developing. It is possible to remain within the “We” while maintaining separate “I”s and at the same time loving each other.