Working with clients, we often notice that they expect certain supportive behavior from their friends and families. At the same time, only a few people know how to ask for help when it’s very needed. Why is it like that?
Reason 1. It is scary to be vulnerable.
Lucy’s grandma often used to tell her: “If you show your weakness – you are done! People will take advantage of you! Always smile – no matter what is happening! You can only cry into your pillow at night. Otherwise – you must appear strong all the time!”
The belief that you should never show your weaknesses to anyone often leads to a deep sense of loneliness because opening up is a huge risk!
Yes, it is risky. And you cannot show your vulnerability to everyone. But there must be people who can support you. They are definitely there – look around, take a chance!
Reason 2. If I am “no fun” – they will start avoiding me.
This is another belief that sticks to the mind like burdock spurs to the hem of a skirt. You always need to be smiling, joyful, “breezy”, cheerful – and everyone will love you.
This is a huge misconception – they will not love you just because you are “pleasant”. And needing support is not at all the same as “creating trouble”, it doesn’t work that way.
Reason 3. “They have to guess for themselves that I need help”
This is a strange expectation because it assumes that other people must somehow understand what you need. At the same time, no one can explain exactly how this understanding should take place. Usually, it sounds like: “Well, he/she must/should know!”, “Well, that’s obvious!”
Actually, no, it’s not obvious at all.
Imagine that you are afraid of something and shaking nervously. The one who is nearby knows nothing about what is going on in your head, but they see that you are trembling. They may ask: are you cold? Should I bring you a blanket?
And this is normal because our feelings, thoughts, and emotions are not at all as easy to read as it might seem.
Reason 4. What if I burden others with myself?
People live their lives, and here I am with my troubles. It doesn’t feel good to dump my problems on someone else… Does it sound familiar?
Usually, such beliefs come from childhood, when the parents taught you not to interrupt adults, not to annoy, not to distract, etc. Your problems – you figure it out. And in general, keep a low profile.
Reason 5. “My request can be rejected”
The fear of rejection blocks any attempts to ask for help – after all, this is the risk of feeling unnecessary, not important.
If these “wise thoughts” sound familiar, chances are that you also do not know how to request support. And this needs to be corrected. It is important to learn how to do it right.
Self-therapy can be an essential tool for personal growth and self-improvement.
Browse through our courses and see the positive changes they can bring to your life.
You are not sure where to begin?
Here are common examples of incorrect support requests:
Incorrect: “I feel bad”
Why: It is not clear to the recipient of the message what exactly is required of them, how they can help.
Wrong: “If someone doesn’t make me feel better, I will go and get drunk.”
Why: There is no request for support in the message, but there is hidden manipulation.
Incorrect: “I feel bad. To make it better, make me some tea, stay with me all the time, do not communicate with anyone but me.
Why: you are imposing yourself on the other person.
Wrong: “Make me feel better – you’re big and smart, I can’t do it myself.”
Why: shifting responsibility for your condition to another person. This is an infantile position.
Wrong: “You don’t love me!”
Why: manipulation, the person needs to “guess” what is required of them.
But how should you ask for help?
Clear and simple formulations are the best. They should include two components: the description of the problem (the essence) and what you need now from the other person (how they can help).
“I’m feeling really bad right now, hug me please”
“I am very sad today. If you have time, let’s go out somewhere. I really need to vent.”
“I’m upset about what happened to me. It will help me a lot if you talk to me.”
Sometimes you may not know yourself what you need to feel better. This is a clear sign that you need to seriously learn to deal with your feelings, desires, and needs. And this is entirely your responsibility!
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