A step-by-step guide for those who want to try to help. Part I
People who are dear and close to us may have different problems. Sometimes, the person refuses to address them, even though the problems seem quite obvious to us.
The lion’s share of such situations concerns various dependencies – be it alcohol, drug, or gambling addiction, workaholism, etc.
Yes, we know that we cannot be responsible for the life and choices of another person. But how can we leave them alone with their problem? We want to do everything to help them get out of this trap.
Besides, according to research, if you talk to a person in the right way, then the probability that they will start listening and solving their issue increases by 85%!
We created a guide that will help you to build a correct conversation with your loved one who has a dependency problem. This guide is composed of 4 parts. First, you will learn about important things that will help you understand dependent behaviors. Then, we will give you concrete recommendations about how to build a dialog.
The first thing that we want to study is how an addicted personality operates. It is very different from how a healthy person behaves.
Addiction is an obsessive need, an irresistible desire that makes a person act in a certain way.
There are personality traits that set the stage for a wide variety of addictions. Often, among the traits of people with addictions, we can see the following:
- infantilism, inability to take responsibility for one’s life and actions.
- a low level of adaptability to everyday difficulties, a tendency to “give up” in difficult situations.
- dependence on someone else’s opinion;
- tendency to have risky behaviors, seek adrenaline “high”.
- a dichotomy of thinking (“all or nothing!”)
- difficulties with self-control.
- inability and unwillingness to take care of oneself.
- shifting responsibility for own success or failure to others: fate, loved ones, the government.
Okay, so we have listed the traits and characteristics. What’s next?
Gradually, under the influence of dependence, a person seems to become “split in two”. There is a healthy part of the personality, which gradually becomes smaller and gives up its position. And there is an addictive part that is gaining strength. Between them, there is fierce competition.
Self-therapy can be an essential tool for personal growth and self-improvement.
Browse through our courses and see the positive changes they can bring to your life.
You are not sure where to begin?
Externally, this inner conflict manifests itself very clearly. You notice that the person:
● Manipulates others, just to get a dose of their “joy” – to buy a thing, place a bet, have a drink, etc. Sometimes this happens consciously, sometimes not.
“If you hadn’t put pressure on me like that, I wouldn’t have been drinking. If you loved me, you would not upset me “,” Of course, I must buy myself new things … After all, you don’t do this for me. “
● The person starts deceiving and manipulating facts. It is difficult to rely on a dependent person because their passion is always stronger than the desire to keep their word. That is why it is useless to appeal to conscience – when there is desire, it does not work at all. And later – even if the person has regrets – nothing changes.
● The person blames circumstances and other people for what is wrong in their life. “I drink because my boss is a moron”, “My parents always used to compare me to my brother. I would have achieved much more in life if they didn’t ruin my self-esteem.”
● They stop paying attention to anyone other than themselves. “What’s a big deal? So, I forgot to pick you up after work… Why do you always blow things out of proportion?”
● They lose their previously significant values and personal morality. “So, what if I wouldn’t have done this before – everyone changes”, “Sport is no longer important to me. I’ve had enough of swimming! “
● They may isolate themselves from society, family, and loved ones.
● They become irritable and touchy. There are bouts of rage, irascibility, and impulsive behavior.
The addict tries in every possible way to hide their problem not only from others but also from themselves – it is “more convenient” and “safer” this way.
When you try to talk to an addict, the first thing you will likely encounter is powerful resistance.
Let’s see what kind of defense mechanisms can be activated.
Denial. This is the most common psychological defense mechanism used by people when they have serious life problems. “Stop inventing problems! I can quit at any moment, there is no need to worry!”, “Well, all my friends sometimes drink, and yours, by the way, do too!”, “What are you trying to say – that I can’t control myself?”
Avoidance. “Listen, let’s talk about something else, otherwise we’ll have a fight”, “Maybe we’d better watch a movie?”.
Rationalization. “I only got drunk because I had a toothache!”
Defensive aggression and bravado. “I can quit at any moment – you humiliate me with your conversations!”, “Do I have to report how I spend every penny?”
Intellectualization. “British scientists have proven that reasonable doses of alcohol promote healthy heart – don’t you read newspapers?” “Addiction is not black and white. Do you think you don’t have one? What about your workaholism? “
If you notice what is happening, you can say to the addict right there and then: “You are defending yourself now, but you don’t have to do it”, “Let’s try to admit that this is really a problem”. Sometimes it can take the conversation to another level.
For the conversation to go as efficiently as possible, you need to try to consider everything that we wrote about above: the inner conflict of the addict, the ways they hide and protect themselves from realities, and the psychological reasons for these “hide and seek” games.
This is all for today. In the next article we will continue talking about how to correctly support a dependent person and how to try to motivate them to solve their addiction problem.
Help us grow on Instagram 👇
