“We are very close!” – says Olivia. “We are always together, share everything, and we talk to each other a lot. When Kevin is away on a business trip, I cannot fall asleep – I am only comfortable when he is around. I wouldn’t even do my nails without consulting him – he chooses the color. This is good, isn’t it? It means that we are very close, and he cares about my life… When Kevin is not in the mood, I often think that I must have done something. I worry that I may have hurt his feelings and didn’t notice it. But we never have quarrels – we do not fight. If I don’t like something, I know that it is my problem and do not say anything. I think it is great that we don’t have disagreements. But… now everyone is talking about co-dependency, and I started thinking… do I see my relationship correctly? What do you think?”
It is important to have intimacy in a relationship. It is the component that acts as a glue. Without it, everything else doesn’t make sense and the relationship may fall apart. But quite often, people confuse intimacy and co-dependency: when “I can’t live without you” becomes so big and all-encompassing that your partner’s life appears more important than your own, and your desires and needs seem so insignificant that you can easily… overlook and forget them.
It looks like Olivia is confused. Let’s figure out how intimacy is different from co-dependency. Just like a diamond and a cheap piece of glass – you can only confuse them from afar. But we are going to take a closer look.
1. Equality
Intimate partners are equal – nobody is above or below the other person. They can discuss any issues taking as a starting point the fact that their opinions are equally important and taken into account.
This luxury is not available to co-dependent partners: one of them has more “rights” and the other one quietly agrees with this. That means that one partner may control another and impose their opinion onto them. The co-dependent partner often goes along with this because deep inside (or maybe not very deep) they are very afraid that their partner would leave them if they stop being agreeable and convenient.
The co-dependent one, by the way, will deny this fact. Olivia, for example, said that “It is just that Kevin knows better what looks good on me, and it doesn’t mean that I don’t have my own opinion! I simply want him to like me – why is this bad?”
2. Importance of desires and needs
Intimate partners see each other’s desires as important and take them into account. Even if you know that your partner will not be very happy if you tell them that your mom is going to visit you, you will feel safe telling them about it. And you will also accept the fact that your loved one goes to a soccer practice every Saturday, even though you think that soccer is a useless waste of time. ?
In co-dependent relationship things are different. One partner tries very hard to accommodate the other one. Olivia went along with “their common” wish to invite Kevin’s friends to a party every Friday night, even though she would have preferred to wind down from the work week together with Kevin, take a bath, and leisurely read a book. But Kevin would get upset if she would not sing karaoke, and he would not be able to make dinner for his friends…
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3. Feeling comfortable showing emotions and feelings
If you are intimate with your partner you would not be afraid to show your different sides: to be sad when you feel down, be upset, irritable, angry at something, etc. Nobody has to always be happy and cheerful. Accepting your partner’s emotions is not hard either – we are people and have a right to have different feelings.
In co-dependency, some feelings are deemed “allowed” and “disallowed”. For example, your partner expects you to act happy and you force yourself to show joy just not to disappoint them even though a long weekend with your second half’s parents is not something that you would have planned.
4. Conflicts
Well, every couple has them, how else could it be? But if you are intimate you can openly talk about them without fear and hesitation. In co-dependent relationships, there is fear that this is a beginning of an end and that you will stop being pleasant and convenient when something upsets you.
5. Having a dialog
In normal relationships, people communicate “by saying words with their mouths”: clearly and openly. This is not how it works in co-dependent relationships, because they are filled with fears and anxieties. Therefore, the partners are hesitant to speak directly, but they may act hurt, upset, stone-wall, etc. – let the partner guess what is wrong. Manipulation is the main fuel of co-dependent relationships.
6. Interaction patterns.
In normal intimate relationships, there is only one pattern: “adult-adult”. In co-dependent ones there are many variations: “child-parent”, “child-adult”, “I am more important than you”, “I am smart and you still need to learn”, condescension, and many other “interesting” options.
… Now you have way more information about the differences between intimacy and co-dependency and you can analyze your relationship. Is it a real diamond or a fake one? The choice belongs to you and your partner…
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