I’m afraid that I will end my life

“I really want you to help me deal with my problem. I had a very difficult childhood. My mother was beating me, and it wasn’t just spanking. She would use her hands and her feet – once she broke my nose on the kitchen sink. My father would always defend me. He wouldn’t let her hit me or yell at me, so she was doing it while he was away. Their relationship was very complicated, obviously. But towards me, my dad was always kind and loving.

When I was 7, he committed suicide. Since then I’ve been having suicidal thoughts. What made it even worse is that my mother would always tell me that she wanted to have an abortion, that she tried different things to get rid of me, that I ruined her life, and if it weren’t for me, her life would be completely different.

I had been going to a psychotherapist for over two years. I’ve forgiven my mother and father (for a long time, I’ve thought of his suicide as betrayal). But I’ve not been able to get rid of my suicidal thoughts: even a small setback can bring them back. And after I was told that since my father committed suicide, so could I, I started worrying that I really can do it.

At this moment, I lost my source of income, and psychotherapy is too expensive for me. Therefore, I had to stop my sessions. But I would like to keep and improve my progress. So, I would like to ask you to help me deal with my thoughts and to show me how to move forward so that I wouldn’t end my life like my father.”

Hello!

I am so sorry that your mother didn’t find any other way of communication but violence. I feel your pain. After her words saying that her life would be better without you, she cannot no longer be called “a mother”.

A mother – is the person who is responsible for the child’s life, for their wellbeing, for their health. Back in your childhood years, she already stopped being your mom. She is a strange person who is confused, and who is not aware of her actions.

Of course, definitely, you need to work with a psychologist. Now you cannot afford that, but as soon as you can – you need to come back to psychotherapy.

Let me comment on your letter.

“I really want you to help me deal with my problem. I had a very difficult childhood. My mother was beating me, and it wasn’t just spanking. She would use her hands and her feet – once she broke my nose on the kitchen sink. My father would always defend me. He wouldn’t let her hit me or yell at me, so she was doing it while he was away. Their relationship was very complicated, obviously. But towards me, my dad was always kind and loving.”

It is wonderful that your dad was loving and that he defended you. When one parent insults the child or otherwise acts abnormally, the other parent should support and defend the child, and figure out what is going on. In your case, even though your father passed away early, his role in your life was invaluable. If both of your parents were violent towards you and were supporting each other’s aggression, it would have been much harder for you to endure all of this. You could have started seeing yourself as a disgusting person who deserves this kind of treatment. But your father opened another reality for you, and now you know that the issue was with your mother, not with you.

You can mentally talk to your dad and thank him for his love towards you, for his support and protection.

Then you have these tasks: to protect yourself, to get up on your feet, and to separate yourself from this horrible experience.

No child deserves the experience that you had. No matter what you did – you didn’t deserve it. It is not your fault, and it is not your responsibility. Even if a child does something wrong (for example, stealing) – it is still not a justification for violence.

Your mother couldn’t find another outlet for her anger, aggression, guilt, dissatisfaction with her life, etc. You happened to be there, and she took it out on you. Therefore, the healthiest approach is to work on your past (as much as you are ready, as much as you can), and learn to live “from scratch”, as if this experience didn’t exist in your past.

“When I was 7, he committed suicide. “

I am very sorry that you had to experience that. This is a very difficult event.

“Since then I’ve been having suicidal thoughts.”

Suicidal thoughts are a sign that you need to visit a psychotherapist. You need to be certain that you deal with them. You cannot just let them be. Obviously, when you were 7, you had at minimum three reasons for such thoughts:

• Your dad ended his life; therefore, it becomes an available option for his child. The child can look at the dad and follow in his footsteps. Such reasoning may appear logical, but it is not right. That was your dad’s choice, it was his life. He couldn’t or didn’t want to deal with the situation, but you – you are a completely different person. And you can have a completely different life…

You need to separate yourself from your dad. You can, for example, imagine him sitting or standing next to you, and you can tell him out loud, several times: “Dad, you had your life and I have mine”. Out loud, so that you yourself could hear that your dad’s suicide is not a reason for you to make a similar decision.

Sometimes you may have thoughts like this – to follow your dad.

• An abused child becomes disconnected from themselves. They become broken, weak, they lose energy and strength, they lose confidence in themselves and in people. Sometimes, they lose faith in life itself. Therefore, after the violence, thoughts of suicide are quite common.
• After being abused, the child may not be able to pull themselves together. As if they are maybe living or maybe not. Such thoughts are a way to escape from the challenges of life.
  
   But now, when you are an adult, you have an opportunity to “repair” yourself and to learn to deal with challenges. It may be difficult for you to hear, but both of your parents didn’t act very wisely, to put it mildly. And you, as a separate person, can learn how to manage your life.
  
   “What made it even worse is that my mother would always tell me that she wanted to have an abortion, that she tried different things to get rid of me, that I ruined her life, and if it weren’t for me, her life would be completely different.”

This paragraph tells us that an adult person (your mother) is utterly unhappy, that she is not able to take responsibility for her own actions. SHE gave you birth – you certainly didn’t ask her. Your mother is shifting the responsibility for her unhappiness to you. This is immature, stupid, and not right. She didn’t have the capabilities to be a mother to you; she was deeply lost in her own suffering. She was not adequate. You have nothing to do with it – this is about her. Do not forget about this.

Imagine sexual intercourse between a man and a woman. They felt desire, they started having sex, and a child was conceived (intentionally or not). What responsibility does the baby have? The baby is guilty of nothing. It is the utmost immaturity and inadequacy to blame the child for being born.

“I had been going to a psychotherapist for over two years. I’ve forgiven my mother and father (for a long time, I’ve thought of his suicide as betrayal).”

It is awesome that there is progress. Perhaps, you can consider more short-term methods of working with a psychologist. For example, in emotional imagery, in cognitive therapy, you don’t need to spend years with a therapist. You will see results faster. But in your case, it is normal that progress is slow. Because your situation is complex.

“But I’ve not been able to get rid of my suicidal thoughts: even a small setback can bring them back.”

Try to understand the following. A person has these thoughts most often when they don’t see a good future for themselves. It happens in a certain STATE. States can come and go, so don’t trust them. They are temporary, even though they may reoccur. And one more time: yes, you need to work on this.

 “And after I was told that since my father committed suicide, so can I, I started worrying that I really can do it.”

I don’t know who told you that, but this is not true. You and your father – are two different people. It is as if one would say: “A parent planted an apple tree; therefore, his child will definitely plant it.” Why??? No, this is not how it works.

“At this moment, I lost my source of income, and psychotherapy is too expensive for me. Therefore, I had to stop my sessions. “

There are free services of psychological help. There are psychologists-volunteers, there are specialists who charge very little money. Therefore, in you case, you need to use all the available options. Childhood abuse – is a sign “you should see a psychologist”, and suicidal thoughts – means “you need to run to a psychologist right now”. You can’t just let these thoughts be. It also would be useful for you to read about this issue: articles, recommendations. Do exercises, meditate…

“But I would like to keep and improve my progress. So, I would like to ask you to help me deal with my thoughts and to show me how to move forward so that I wouldn’t end my life like my father.”

I will tell you something you would not want to hear – your father gave up. He didn’t start solving his life problems in a proper way. He simply got rid of his life. But your own life already shows that you are different. You continue working on yourself! You are looking for solutions! You are looking for ways to heal yourself. In our format of a short online consultation, I cannot give you a proper recommendation. Because, probably (most likely), you have depression. You need careful treatment. You need someone to help you, with great precision, to find the source of these thoughts. But without a doubt, you are a fighter, and you have done already a lot (two years of therapy and this consultation). You just need to follow through until you find a proper solution. And this is very possible.

I wish you great patience! I wish you find solutions to these difficult issues soon!

Take care of yourself!

Mindspa Consulting psychologist