Jealousy is likely to be the human feeling surrounded by most myths. We are embarrassed to admit it; it is believed to be a sign of love and it is used as an excuse for crimes.
Jealousy is a feeling that can be indeed destructive, however it’s only destructive when it becomes overwhelming.
When jealousy is normal and manifests itself as a spark, it can be harmless or even useful for a relationship. It becomes problematic when jealousy is painful.
Step 1
This is the hardest step. Admit it to yourself that you are jealous. You are jealous, you are not simply angry, offended, or anxious. No, your self-esteem won’t suffer from it, on the contrary, only a powerful person can admit his or her own weaknesses.
Step 2
If you have just experienced a bout of jealousy, take a deep breath and do something simple and monotonous. For example, wash the dishes, water the flowers, play some cards. Being overwhelmed won’t help you find the right words or make a good decision. Simply distract yourself for 20-30 minutes to think about what happened later when you feel calmer.
Step 3
Now, answer the following questions:
- Which situation or partner’s actions make you feel jealous?
- Which feelings do you experience then (anger, fear, envy)?
- What do you expect your partner to do in such a situation?
The more honest you are, the clearer you’ll see the whole picture of your jealousy and the more adequately you’ll be able to evaluate your actions. You can only move on once you understand your feelings and motives.
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Step 4
It’s time to talk and confess. Start with the words that are very useful in every complex situation, “I am sorry”. “I am sorry, I am very jealous of you…”
Now, talk about your feelings, “I feel scared, hurt, sad, when you…”
Finish with some kind words, “thank you for listening to what I had to say.”
These phrases are enough to clarify the situation and gain your partner’s favor.
Maybe your partner perceived the situation differently, but it’s important to listen to their side of the story as well.
Step 5
Feelings and fears have been announced, the situations causing jealousy have been described, so it’s time to look for a solution. You can try to adjust or exclude the triggers that are traumatising you, such as certain people, places, times, frequency of certain events (it’s different in every case). Or you could ask for the support you need in such situations, for example, hugs, kind words, calls, talks about your future together.
Jealousy can steadily captivate you. This is why you should be one step ahead of it. Start fulfilling these steps as soon as you feel that it’s coming.
