I want to have friends

Friends – are the family that we choose ourselves. This succinct and clear definition emphasizes the importance of this category of people in our lives. It points to the fact that we choose them consciously and voluntarily, as opposed to, say, family members, whom we do not choose.

Friendship is a close personal relationship between people based on a commonality of hobbies and interests, on mutual respect and trust in each other. We cannot live without close relationships. This is how we are: to love and be friends is our deepest need. We cannot deny or ignore it without causing harm to ourselves. Fundamentally, friendship is love without romantic attraction and sexual connotations. Otherwise, all characteristics are very similar.

Sometimes, people have a misconception about friendship. What are the most common scenarios?

• Charlie proclaims: “I have at least 15 friends! If I want to, I can have even more!”

You cannot have so many friends because it is impossible to invest in so many relationships. And friendship requires investments. Most likely, Charlie does not have friendship and camaraderie: having buddies is a more superficial kind of relationship.

•  Sabine is upset: “My friend Nancy let me down. I asked her to lend me $300 to renovate my apartment, and she said that she cannot loan so much money. I know for a fact that she has $300!”

It turned out that Sabine became “friends” with Nancy just two months ago. They met in a fitness class. The relationship is not very deep, but Sabine does not notice it. In addition, she is not aware of Nancy’s boundaries. Sabine believes that the title of a “friend” obligates Nancy to do something for her, but this is not so.

In friendship, it is very important to be at the “same depth”: this is about the balance of “give and take” and the level of commitment. If two people view differently the depth of their relationship, and they do not notice this in time, they may be very disappointed.

But let’s assume that you do not have any friends. In this case, it is important to ask yourself these questions:

1. Do I really need friends? Do I want to have friendships?

If you do not have friendships in your life, first you need to answer these two questions. Maybe, you are sabotaging possible relationships because someone hurt or disappointed you in the past. This fear may block the possibility of forming a relationship based on trust. And without trust, it is impossible to have a friendship.

If you discover that this is your reason, imagine that every morning you put on a heavy suit of armor. It is well-built and heavy. Nobody can hurt you when you are wearing this suit – that’s for sure! But… nobody can hug, caress, or touch you either. If you are choosing the suit of armor, you automatically deprive yourself of any relationships.

You may want to have a guarantee that if you trust a person, they will not hurt you. But nobody can give you such guarantees, and this is not a good reason to stop trusting. You must take risks and trust anyway.

We all know that we are mortal. Yet, every morning we leave our homes. We do not lock ourselves inside in fear, do we? Otherwise, what kind of life would it be?

2. Why don’t I have friends?

It makes sense to carefully investigate the reasons.

Friendship will give you:

– Intimacy: this means to be loyal, to have trust and desire to share something and keep the other person’s secrets.

– Exchange: it means sharing information, successes, sorrows, pains, and achievements. To be ready to support someone emotionally, to help in a difficult situation.

– Relationships with the 3rd parties: it means that you will respect those who are important to your friend. You will respect your friend’s choices and relationships with other people.

– Personal space: you will respect your friend’s boundaries, you will be tactful in your communication, and allow your friend to have their separate life. You will not intrude into the spaces where you are not invited.

If you do not understand any of these points or they cause difficulties for you, perhaps, this is the root of the problem, and you need to work on these “gaps”.

3. What benefits do I get because do not have friends?

What are you gaining by being a loner? Perhaps, you are free from attachments, you have the right not to care about someone else’s problems, and not to take on extra responsibilities. Or maybe you have some other benefits? Think about it.

Some people think that friendships can only be formed in childhood or adolescence, and adults cannot find friends. This is a myth. Firstly, the way you are today is very different from the way you were when you were 19 years old. And this means that it is even easier to find people who are on the same wavelength as you are.

Second, if you will be open, your chances to get close to someone are quite high.

Friends – are the family… Well, you remember. So, choose it! Create your support network: relationships are the most important aspect of our lives.