We cover many important topics from the sphere of relationships. But what if the question is formulated exactly like this: “I no longer sexually want my loved one”? We are together, we have a lot in common, he is dear to me and I am not going to part with him, but… it has been a long time since sexual desire “was in the chat”. If it was there at all…
What to explore on this topic? How to understand what exactly is happening and whether it is possible to change it at all?
You may want to start by stating the issue a little broader. In other words, try to understand whether you may have a sexual desire for someone else or don’t want anyone at all. If the arrow leads to the answer “there is no desire at all,” then the issue is probably not in your loved one. Something happened to the libido in general. This is a rather unpredictable thing in your body and depends on many factors.
If this is your case, you should explore the causes of a decrease in libido. Is there a state of stress or problems with the hormonal sphere? Maybe it is just a difficult time or you have depression and are taking antidepressants? Some factors greatly influence sexual desire, and relationships have nothing to do with it at all.
In this case, the following specialists may be useful: endocrinologist, gynecologist (urologist), psychotherapist, psychiatrist.
Option two. The arrow leads you in the direction of “I do not want specifically my partner.” What could be the reasons?
1. It is important to study the area of feelings and emotions concerning your partner: what is there, besides the fact that you love them. Is there anger, resentment, or any other complex feelings? It may turn out that there are.
Gwen and Ketan are going through a difficult period. Ketan has had an affair, and they almost split. But then they realized that they were dear to each other. They talked a lot about it and Gwen forgave Ketan. They decided to stay together. Almost a year has passed, but the couple almost does not have sex: Gwen completely lost her sexual desire …
In psychotherapy, it turned out that Gwen is still very angry with Ketan and so far, has not been able to overcome it. Negative feelings can greatly interfere with libido because we have sex not in isolation from the relationship, but within it. And sexual desire (its presence or absence) depends on how we feel about our partner. Anger and resentment can cause emotional rejection: it is hard to desire a person if you are experiencing such feelings towards them.
What to do in this case? Work on your feelings. Accept and acknowledge them. It is better to work on this with a psychologist.
2. It may seem that you do not have any negative feelings about your partner – right the opposite – they are quite positive. Too sweet – maybe a bit too much…
Here, you need to see if your partner is like a relative to you – often it turns out that you may feel about them like a parent about a child.
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Browse through our courses and see the positive changes they can bring to your life.
You are not sure where to begin?
Alisha takes good care of Mikey (this is what she calls her husband). “Do not forget your scarf!”, “Would you like some porridge for breakfast?”, “Be careful – your tea is hot, let me add some cold water.” Everything seems to be great, but Michael does not want Alisha sexually…
Such imbalance in the relationship deprives you of sexual desire because if you perceive your partner as a little boy or girl who needs to be taken care of, like a baby, it is rather strange… to want them sexually. Such attitudes can destroy libido. In this case, you need to work on the boundaries.
What to do? Restore a partnership within your couple. And in partnerships there are boundaries, there is personal space. Perhaps you should not enter the bathroom when your partner is using a toilet or have a common account on Instagram, etc. Because in “skewed” relationships, the boundaries are rather worn out, which must affect sexual desire.
3. It seems that in the relationship with your partner, everything is quite good. You even have sex sometimes, but … you don’t really want to. “I don’t know why. True, there is one interesting person with whom I communicate, but we just chat – nothing is going on! This has nothing to do with it!”
Leah loves her husband, and everything is fine in their relationship. But recently, a new colleague appeared at her office. And now they communicate regularly on WhatsApp. Nothing special – just memes, pictures, jokes, some light flirting…
Everything is fine, but the libido is leaking somewhere. Where? It is redirected to another destination, and her husband remains deprived of her sexual attention.
What to do: it’s worth recognizing that if you lost interest in your partner, sometimes this means that you are enjoying too much wonderful communication with another person. And if you want to return your libido “back on track”, so to speak, this situation needs to change. How? Everyone decides for themselves.
What you definitely should not do is deceive yourself, thinking that this “does not affect anything.”
4. Have you ever desired this person at all?
Angelina and Amir have been together for two years. Their marriage was arranged – their parents did their best. Both families have a common business. The couple has never felt a sexual desire for each other. They are more like colleagues and comrades than lovers…
What to do: acknowledge that having a desire because “you should” will not work. Unfortunately… or fortunately.
Lost libido is usually a relationship issue, not a sexuality issue. Unless it is the first option that we considered above.
Now you know where you should apply your efforts – and this is already a good start!
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