How to survive the death of a loved one

Grief doesn’t discriminate. It comes to people regardless of their nationality, wealth, social status, or age. Losing a loved one is perhaps the worst that may happen to any person.

When such a tragedy happens, the first question that fills the whole person is “Why?”. Why did it happen to me, to us? Sometimes it sounds like “What for?” As if it were a punishment for something… A feeling of acute pain overwhelms the person, and it can not be postponed, pushed aside, or “turned off”. 

Often, close people don’t know how to behave around a grieving person. Because of this, they say awkward things or try to console and stop the person from expressing their painful feelings. Nobody taught us what to do when a person next to us is literally being torn apart by despair. 

Therefore, people often say “Do not cry”, “You must be strong”, “Pull yourself together”, etc.

These are wrong words. Right the opposite – it is important to express the feelings the way they want to be expressed. Do you want to cry? Cry. Wail into a pillow? Do that. Through hands up into the air and give up for some time? This is normal too. It is important to acknowledge your pain and allow yourself not to be superhuman. Really – it’s OK!

Pain always needs to be expressed. You should not lock it inside yourself or pretend that it doesn’t exist. Otherwise, it will freeze you and prevent you from living your life. Experiencing pain without denying it or hiding from it is the first step towards surviving the death of a loved one.

When Marianne’s ex-husband from whom she’s been divorced for a long time passed away, she suddenly started experiencing headaches.

The reason being is that on the rational level she thinks that there is no justification for grieving since they have been apart for quite some time and he (seemingly) is a stranger to her. But subconsciously, her emotional connection to him turned out to be much stronger than she wanted to admit. Her grief showed up as a psychosomatic reaction since it didn’t have any other way out.

To live through the pain means to acknowledge that you are experiencing it, without trying to analyze whether it is justified. You cannot “not feel it” – it is impossible. You can even say to yourself out loud – “I am hurting. I am in a lot of pain.” This pain will not stay with you forever, but unfortunately, you are experiencing it now.

It may happen that tears do not come. Sometimes, it scares people since they may think – did I love them enough? Why am I not crying? Maybe something is wrong with me?

In reality, this is normal. When outward reactions do not come and there is only emptiness inside – this is quite natural. It happens often when our psyche protects us from unbearable feelings and emotions. It is as if it “turns them off” for some time. Most likely, they will surface later, and it may happen at any moment. Therefore, you need to take precautions – think about whom you are going to call when you need support and compassion.

Sometimes, we are so busy with organizational tasks that we cannot allow ourselves to “relax”. The grief gets “postponed” and bottled up inside.

Duane, who is a firefighter, lost a close friend and a colleague. But he couldn’t show his emotions at first, since all the chores related to the funeral and taking care of his friend’s family fell on his shoulders. And he felt like he needs to “act like a man” and “be strong”. After some time, he had to attend his neighbor’s funeral. His relationship with the neighbor was not very close. Duane’s wife was very surprised that at this funeral he was extremely upset and cried a lot.

Take care of yourself in any way possible. If you need to be outside with nature – do that. If you need to live with a friend or a relative – this is normal too. Take rest. Try to help other people. Take a vacation. Any option that helps you is appropriate.

Do not shut down, ask for help from people who are close to you. It is important to have an opportunity to talk about your loss, your pain, about the person who passed away, about the time you’ve spent together, about their habits, and everything else that you remember about them. You should not avoid it, right the opposite! You must and you need to talk about it – this will help you accept what happened.

Sujatha’s friend of 15 years passed away. It has been two months already, but she still feels like there is a tight knot inside of her. Sujatha has nobody to talk with about her friend. All her close people change the subject trying to protect her from strong emotions as soon as she mentions her friend’s name. Then one evening, Sujatha asked her husband not to interrupt her and let her talk about her friend – she needed it very much. They spent two hours talking. They remembered how they met at a party, how they celebrated New Year and broke a bottle of Champagne trying to open it with a sword. The next morning, Sujatha felt for the first time that the knot inside is getting a little smaller and softer… 

If you need to, ask for help with everyday chores from people who are close to you. It is normal right now – not being able to take care of all things.

Use specific phrases, such as “It would really help if you could pick up Danny from the daycare”, “Can you buy groceries for me? It is hard for me to go shopping now”.

Sometimes, people seek psychological help – this is also good. A specialist can help you to go through this difficult period with the least consequences. This is especially important if a lot of time has passed, but there are no changes in your state – as if you are being stuck in your grief, it doesn’t get better…

A psychologist cannot remove your pain and suffering. Unfortunately, this is not in their power. But professional support means a lot and often gives you the strength to survive the heartbreak.

Losing a loved one is a terrible tragedy. You will be hurting for some time, unfortunately. But you know… this acute pain will not be with you forever, even if it is hard to believe right now. Slowly, it will be replaced by sadness. Sadness will take place in your heart and with it, you can already continue living. Simply believe this…