How to stop being a manipulator?

There is a lot of information around about what to do if you are being manipulated: if you are around toxic people who poison your life, making it unbearable. But what if the “tox” and the manipulator are you? It is not the most pleasant realization, we agree. So, what do you do about it?

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Let’s start at the beginning – with the signs of toxicity and manipulative tendencies.

You may be a manipulator (consciously or unconsciously) if …

– you often express your dissatisfaction by using hints, facial expressions, or sighs, thus forcing other people to guess;

– you get offended;

– you are jealous of your close people when they spend time with friends or on hobbies;

– you try to check everything and recheck, just in case;

– you help without being asked;

– you ask uncomfortable questions (what’s the big deal?);

– you expect care and attention (but you don’t talk about it);

– you can hurt people with your words or actions;

– you impose on others your lecturing, advice, and control;

– you do not know how to listen to other people;

– you behave unceremoniously, you do not care about others;

– you can “elbow” other people to get what you want;

And since you are reading this article, we may assume that you would like to get rid of these tendencies and learn to build relationships of a different kind. This is great!

The first thing that is important to know is that this current condition is not a sentence. There is no need to write yourself off! The tendency to manipulate can be smoothed out and corrected. And the fact that you see it in yourself means that you are already halfway on your journey to success.

If you are trying to find out from where the habit of manipulating other people came to you, we will show you the main ways of acquiring this “gift”.

• “Hello” from childhood. Parents are the first and foremost example of how to interact with others. Accordingly, if your mom or dad behaved toxically towards you – they did not respect your boundaries, ignored your needs and desires, etc. – why would the child grow up to be different?

• Traumatic past. When something happens in a person’s life outside of ordinary experience, it can cause a whole cascade of psychological changes that lead to an internal imbalance and difficulties and struggles in building harmonious relationships with other people.

• Underdeveloped parts of the psyche: Child – Parent – Adult. You may have a strong bias towards the child or parent and a weak and immature adult part.

• Underdeveloped emotional intelligence. In this case, a person simply does not feel other people and does not understand when they are entering their territory.

Nothing happens out of the blue: everything in our lives is “for a reason.” Understanding “why” it is convenient to be a manipulator is very important to understand what “hole” this habit covers. Only then you will understand how to address your needs more efficiently and sustainably.

How to stop being a manipulator?

1. Identify and acknowledge manipulative tendencies on your part. You definitely have them, if you …

– go on guilt trips or shame others

– withhold something to make others do things your way

– show off your sadness, resentment, or tears

– tell others “it is your fault that I…”

– vaguely hint at your desires making others guess what you need

2. Start replacing your old habitual patterns of behavior with others:

– stop yourself when you want to act “as always”,

– listen to another person,

– try to do as the other person suggests, without trying to change their mind,

– take responsibility for what you feel. Understand that it is not the other person’s fault that you are sad (hurt, offended, etc.).

3. Work on your boundaries (most likely, there are problems with them too) and learn to feel and recognize the boundaries of other people.

4. Do something good for other people without expecting a response.

Manipulation destroys relationships. Learning to build them on a different foundation is a difficult but important task. If you want to work on this task, we recommend our “Detox” course as a powerful support tool. It will definitely help you!