How to learn to ask for help

There are many other people in the world around us, and we constantly interact with them. Asking for help is a natural and simple act because we are social beings – and together, we can achieve much more than alone. Despite this, for a huge number of people, it becomes an incredibly difficult and sometimes impossible act. Why is it like that?

1. “Hello” from childhood.

Gregory continues a military dynasty. His father is a colonel, and his grandfather is a general. He was brought up in discipline and toughness: no emotions, boys do not cry, you are a future warrior! You need to manage by yourself – otherwise, you are not a man but a rag doll! Now Gregory is 30 years old. He never asks for help, even when he is in dire need of it. He came to a psychologist after he almost died of appendicitis because he did not tell anyone that he had a stomachache and tried to cope with it on his own.

And Sujatha’s parents did not pay attention to the fact that she needed things: she wore an old jacket, unfashionable shoes, and carried a bag that her friend handed down to her. When fifteen-year-old Sujatha hinted to her parents that she needed a new jacket because her current one was old and all patched-up, her parents mocked her. They said, with such a figure, it doesn’t matter what she was wearing.

For Gregory, asking for help is tantamount to publicly declaring himself a weakling, which destroys his self-image of being strong and courageous. And Sujatha developed a defensive reaction: I won’t ask, I’ll manage myself.

2. Beliefs and attitudes. 

“Only beggars ask for help”, “We are proud people”, “If you ask now, you will pay twice as much later”, “You have to handle things only by yourself”.

Attitudes are a powerful internal program that influences all our actions. And at the same time, we do not even realize how much we are affected.

3. Problems with self-esteem and self-image.

A person who thinks of themselves as “something is wrong with me” is not able to ask for help, because they are sure that they have no right to borrow someone else’s time (money, efforts). Such a person will tolerate any inconvenience just not to impose onto others.

4. Arrogance and self-importance.

“What – me? Asking for help? I am better than anyone else. It would be so humiliating!” Here, the person perceives that asking for help shows vulnerability on their part, therefore it is out of the question.

5. The fear of being dependent.

If a person has a hang-up on self-sufficiency, hypertrophied autonomy, and isolation, it also becomes impossible to ask for help. And, although absolute independence is more of a myth, such people are scared to admit that they may need something or someone.

To summarize, there are many reasons why it is difficult to ask for help. It is important to find your root cause because the plan of action depends on it.

How to fix this problem?

1. Find the reason – what makes you dread asking for help. The following questions can help with this:

– Is it difficult to ask in general or a specific person/people?

– Was it always difficult or is it something new?

– How do you feel about requests for help from other people? Does it mean that these people are incapable, or is it normal, or is it a manifestation of openness?

– What am I afraid of? Someone refusing or agreeing to help?

– What was the attitude towards helping in your family?

2. Learn to say “no”.

Oddly enough, if a person does not know how to say “no”, they are afraid to ask. It may seem to them that the other person only agrees to help because they cannot refuse, not because they want to help. Accordingly, if you will learn to say “no” yourself – you will understand that anyone can do it.

3. Realize that asking for help shows trust in another person.

Often, we gladly help others because it allows us to realize our good feelings. We even begin to treat differently those whom we help – warmer. What if by asking for help, you are giving other people the opportunity to realize the same feelings?

4. Practice.

Yes, yes, this is a skill. And any skill is formed with multiple repetitions of the same action. If every day (or at least regularly) you turn to someone with a small request, you exercise this skill and improve.

And the most important thing. Being able to ask for help is important. This is not a whim and not an admission of your weaknesses, but a necessary skill to improve your life.