How to handle a painful loss

A loss is not just the death of a close person, although it’s the first thing that comes to mind, but it can be also the loss of a family(divorce), a pet, a job, a house, a social status and even a dream…

When you are going through troubles, you feel grief – and this is a natural response to any loss or significant change. It takes serios efforts to adopt yourself, your inner life to that changed reality that you “didn’t order”.

How to help another person when they are in a loss:

• accept and face the fact that with all desire you don´t have the strength to save him from suffering, sadly, but it´s true. Grief is painful and long-lasting. The maximum that is possible is to make them a little easier with your support;

• if this is the first stage and the person is shocked – be next to him, don´t t leave the grieving one, you can keep silence  – just be next to him;

• help him to recognize the reality by calling things by their names;

• be at the disposal of the grieving person to listen to him and support him, when he will need  to speak out. Ask questions, help to remember different moments, connected with the loss, good and bad – it will help him to talk about his feelings and worries;

• help with all sorts of household chores: cleaning, buying groceries, playing and walking with children – simple daily things that now are  difficult for a grieving person.

• ask about what kind of help does he need, show warmth and care, don’t be imposed, but be “insight”;

• don’t expect for quick improvements or a positive emotional response to your actions – there may not be it, but it does not mean that you’re not helping;

• when a person enters the stage of gradual entry into a rut,  help  him to turn to the future,  to make all sorts of plans for the future.

Not recommended:

• to say “motivating” phrases such as “Hold on!”, “Stop feeling sorry for yourself,” “There are worse things,” “Here I have last year…”, “This is your test (life lesson)”

• to comfort, try to stop the suffering of a person,  to disturb his grieving. Without allowing the human people to cry out, to “splash out” heavy emotions, you deprive him of the opportunity to react to grief;

How to help yourself if you are in loss:

• show your feelings, don’t shut yourself in: don’t pretend that nothing happened, admit that you are in terrible pain now, don’t try to “be strong”, ignoring your grief;

• cry, if you want it, tears help and sometimes they are just necessary! But – if you can’t cry suddenly, you don’t have to force yourself and think that something is wrong with you. Everyone experiences grief in different ways;

• be prepared for the fact that on certain dates you will feel worse. Grief is not linear, dates of birth, death, common holidays that you had, will bring the pain. Enlist support  in such moments and prepare “a plan of retreat”;

•    ask for support, ask close people that you need their care and attention, don’t be alone;

• if you feel that there are no improvements and you sink deeper into the depth of sadness – ask for professional help from a psychologist, support groups. Sometimes it’s necessary!

• take care of yourself more than usual, whatever it means: maybe you will need more sleep or rest, or maybe a trip to the “places of power”;

• when enough time will pass (it is a really individual process – you will feel it), try to fill your life again – new classes, good music, visiting new places.