Filling someone’s shoes

Every one of us may find themselves in a situation when we are “replacing” someone. In reality, we are not replacing anybody, of course, but we perceive it this way. We get appointed to positions that previously were held by other people, or start relationships with people who used to love someone else before us, or take on new jobs that we have not done before.

We may sense for a long time the ghosts of people who were there before us. We do not feel like the place is ours. So, what is happening with us under these circumstances?

The uncomfortable feeling of “taking someone’s place” may visit us if the person before us was quite successful.

We can’t help but start comparing ourselves with our predecessors. We may feel the need to “fill their shoes”, to play by the rules established by them or vice-versa – to take a completely different approach trying to emphasize our differences. In any case, it becomes impossible to show our individuality. We act constrained, our options are limited, and we are wasting efforts on fighting with windmills.

We take a new position because we are confident that we deserve it. Then why do we doubt our capabilities so often? Why are we so often compelled to compare ourselves with our predecessors?

Andrew is a very capable military officer who is quite confident in his abilities. But recently, he was transferred to another division where his predecessor was a very successful leader. Andrew was overwhelmed with doubts: “My reports are expecting something from me! I realize that L. (the predecessor) was doing things quite differently – and this paralyzes me. I am not able to make the simplest of decisions – I try to guess what L. would have done in this situation. I feel that I am doing everything wrong, and everyone can see it…”

Andrew got trapped in comparing himself with a successful leader who had this role before him, and this has thrown him off-balance.

Natalie tells us: “I knew that his ex-wife hated cooking. I don’t like cooking either, but I want to show my husband that this is my favorite activity. I want him to know that I am better!”

Natalie consciously decided to stop being her real self out of fear to lose her “advantage” in the imaginary competition with her predecessor who is not even aware of this rivalry.

Shaun recently got promoted to a managerial role. After studying the habits of the previous boss, he decided to follow the saying “there is a new sheriff in town” and act completely differently – even in small matters, just to show his employees that “things are different now”.

These three examples have one thing in common: Andrew, Natalie, and Shaun are acting either “for” or “against” the mythical image of the “Person Who Was There Before Me” and neglect their desires and needs. They are simply incapable of recognizing them and because of this, they are not accessing the very powerful resource of their individuality.

What to do to avoid such a trap?

○ Stop competing with anyone: ghosts of the past, real people, idealized images – be yourself. All the roles are already taken, only the role of YOU is available.

○ Realize that you are unique, and you have your style, your vision, and your way of doing things. This is why you are valuable.

○ Do not try to play by someone else’s rules if you disagree with them. Do not allow others to manipulate you: “But Mr. Stevens used to…” or “Mrs. Dixit did not approve such practices.” React calmly but firmly: “I am now in charge, and my views are different.”

○ Remember that the main “judge” is usually in your mind, not in the minds of others. Stop this unproductive train of thought under the label “what will they think about me?”.

○ Stop using comparative notions such as “better” or “worse”. Try to replace them with the neutral “different”.

It is important to stretch the shoes that for now are a little uncomfortable to fit you, rather than to do a “surgery” on your feet to fill the shoes. It is impossible to take up someone else’s place like it is impossible to fit a square peg into a round hole. Since you are here – it means that in this period of life this place is yours. And you need to try to make it cozy and comfortable.