My mom is a toxic person

Since childhood, various so-called “truths” have been put into our heads.  We may live a very long time (sometimes all our lives) and not doubt them. One of these unshakable opinions: you shouldn’t be angry with your parents and you have to endure everything, otherwise you automatically become an ungrateful, “bad” person.

But now you are an adult and discover that your mom is not always right, that she actively interferes in your life and establishes her own rules there. After communicating with her you feel deeply unhappy, stupid, irritated, and de-energized as if your whole life energy leaked down the drain… And it happens every time. But this is your mother … You can’t stop communicating with her and exclude her from your life.

Or… can you?

Let’s first quickly go over the main signs of toxic behaviors that people may experience from their mothers:

▸ Passive aggression (sarcasm, irony, mocking, discounting).

“Oh, look how you dressed up!”, “And why are you always crying because of all this nonsense?”, “All your women, of course …”

▸ Manipulations by guilting and shaming.

“If you go there I will have a heart attack”, “What will people say? How will I look neighbors in the eye if you shave your hair?”, “Because of you, my health has gone bad.”

▸ Punishing by using silence, stonewalling as a reaction to the “wrong” behavior.

If you don’t call she will get upset. If you refuse to have dinner – she will not talk to you. If you reject her proposal she will give you a silent treatment.

▸ Total control: attempts to interfere in your life and impose her rules.

“You should marry Peter. He is a good guy, who cares what you want!”, 

“Where are you going? With whom? Do you sleep with her (him)? Tell him (her) …”, “You will go study economics. It is time to give up your frivolous dancing!”

▸ Violating your boundaries.

Moving your things, calling your partner and lecturing them how they should behave, checking your phone, constantly commenting about your friends, partners, your appearance, etc.

▸ Comments and opinions about how you should behave.

“Do not look sad, you should always be joyful”, “Why such a sour face?”, “No reason to bring your mood here”, “Do not reject my ideas”.

▸ Insults, expressing disappointment in you and your behavior or way of life, threats, negative predictions.

“You are going to remain single forever!”, “Who needs you?”, “You are ugly and fat – it is time to start paying attention to your appearance”, “I thought you would become a doctor, but you are pоcking at other people’s nails…”

What can you do if your mom is a toxic person?

1. Communicate with her as little as possible.

2. Build boundaries in a new way.

This is very difficult to do on your own, and it is better to consult a psychologist to learn to feel your boundaries and how to adequately build them. Don’t let your mom go where you don’t want her: “No, I won’t give the keys to my apartment, but you can come to visit me next week”, “Mom, I will call you twice a week, on Wednesday and Saturday, the rest of the time you can write to me in WhatsApp. ” “Please do not come without warning, I may not be at home.”

3. Do not get involved in a showdown, shouting, and open conflicts.

This is a waste of your energy and resources. Try to speak calmly, respectfully, and act consistently.

4. If your mom violates agreements leave the physical space or stop the contact.

Mariah had an agreement with her mom that she will no longer try to discuss Mariah’s personal life and the fact that she needs to urgently get married and have children. As soon as her mom in a telephone conversation tries to latch onto her favorite topic, Mariah warns once, and at the second try she says goodbye: “Mom, I understand that you want to talk about that, but I don’t. Let’s call each other tomorrow. Hugs”. And hangs up. Since mom still wants to communicate with Mariah, after two such interruptions, she understood and stopped raising unwanted topics.

5. It is not your fault

Remind yourself that your mom’s toxicity is her problem, not yours. You cannot influence her and it is not your fault that she behaves this way. Even if you do EVERYTHING the way she wants, she will still act in a toxic manner.

6. Do not be afraid to make her unhappy (disappoint, cause her illness) by saying “no” to something, expressing your opinion, or rejecting her proposal.

Upset Caroline says to her psychologist: “My mother wishes me well, she’s not bad. And she does it for me. I don’t want to disappoint her. “

Causing goodness is also toxicity. Things that you ask for – are for you. Everything else the person does for herself. If you ask her to make you a cake, it is for you. But if you are on a diet and your mother is crying because you refuse one more piece and, therefore, you don’t love her, this is manipulation. If you go on a date instead of coming to the family dinner and your mom’s blood pressure rises, that’s also manipulation.

You cannot be the reason for the bad emotional state of another person. Everyone is responsible for themselves.

7. It is not your duty to make your mom happy.

You can write it as a note on your phone and read it aloud whenever you feel like your mom’s “emotional bulldozer” is rolling over you. You love your mom, but you cannot allow her to live your life and dictate what you must do.

The fact that you are trying to protect your psycho-emotional health is a vital necessity. It is your duty to yourself and it doesn’t make you a bad daughter or a bad son. Sometimes, toxic parents change when they understand that they are losing their children and it is their own doing. But if this doesn’t happen – it is not your fault.