Manipulative Parents: Accuser

This type, unfortunately, is quite common. All clients of psychologists who had or have such parents work long and hard on the impostor syndrome, on a sense of inferiority, on the feeling that they do not meet some incomprehensible standards, on neurotic shame and guilt.

Since childhood, Ivar has been hearing from his father that he is not living up to his expectations. His father saw him as the successor to the family military dynasty – someone who would follow in his footsteps, and the footsteps of his grandfather and great-grandfather. And after all, he even “pushed” Ivar into a military academy. However, Ivar did not finish even one semester. He quit the academy and applied a year later to… a ballet school. Ballet! My son is a dancer! My tongue cannot say these words! What kind of profession is this? Now Ivar’s dad is “forced” to drown his sorrow in a bottle: Ivar “failed” him, he can’t “parade” his son in front of his friends-generals…

Since childhood, Theona has been hearing that she ruined her mother’s life. Her mom was an actress. She showed great promise. She was about to go on a tour that could change her whole life and then – a surprise! Here, mother would sigh theatrically and wipe away a tear. Pregnancy! Of course – no tours. They hired another actress. A joke, not an actress! But she got all the glory. If it wasn’t for you, Theo, I would be a star!

And Laure “did not let” her mother pursue happiness and leave her drinking and cheating husband. “It was all for the sake of you and your brother! So I suffered all my life – abused and miserable. And now you turn up your nose – do not call me often! Shame on you!”

Do you see what all these three stories have in common? The accuser shifts responsibility for their own choices and feelings to another person. The main message is “it’s all because of you”.

In reality, Ivar’s dad drinks because he wants to drink and because he has come up with an image of an ideal son and has been comparing Ivar with this fictional image all his life. Theona did not ask her mother to give birth. And the issue of contraception and the decision to give birth to a child is entirely the responsibility of her mother. As well as the decision not to return later to her acting career, but to give up and hate and envy “that a joke of an actress”.

And, of course, the “sacrifice” of Laure’s mother was unsolicited and useless. No one became happy from her decision to remain married: neither Laure nor her brother. Both ran away from their dysfunctional family at the first opportunity: Laure at 17 and her brother at 18.

Here are some phrases-markers:

– You ruined my life.

– Because of you, I…

– If it weren’t for you…

– It was you who drove me to…

– I did everything for you, and you …

Here are the feelings-markers that the child may experience:

– Shame

– Guilt

What accusers are trying to achieve: consciously or not, they want to relieve themselves of responsibility for what is happening in their lives: in the past, present, or future. Someone else is always to blame – they don’t have to face difficult choices and responsibility. In addition, this allows them to control their loved ones, because guilt is a strong bridle. If you pull it, and the horse goes in one direction, if you jerk it – the horse stops.

How to defend boundaries with accusers: first, realize that everything you have heard since childhood on this topic is not true. You were deceived. No, it’s not your fault that your mother gained weight after being pregnant with you, or that she didn’t become a surgeon, as her parents dreamed of, or that you don’t want to have kids, although you are (already!) 30 and your mother dreams of grandchildren. It’s not so easy to internalize that it is not your fault. It’s too deeply ingrained, so much so that you have long been blaming yourself for everything and got used to feeling chronic guilt. Therefore, if you can’t do it on your own, it’s better to go into therapy and walk this path with a psychologist or psychotherapist.

After you recognize that it is not your fault, it will become much easier to defend your boundaries, since you will feel the “right” to do so.

How to talk with accusers: stop the usual parental guilting “song”. Stop them and say clearly: “Mom/Dad, I hate to hear this. I ask you not to do this again.” If nothing changes, then proceed according to the scheme described in the article about controllers.

If you want to rebuild your self-image that has suffered from this form of communication, use our course “Self-Image”. This therapeutic program can be studied independently. You can find more information here <link>.