I hate my Dad

Today in our “Dear Therapist” column we will discuss a letter from a young woman who is ashamed of her negative feelings towards her Dad. Let’s see what the Mindspa psychologist will suggest. 

“Hello, Mindspa team! My name is Maria and I would like to ask for your advice.” 

Hello Maria. I will be replying to your letter paragraph by paragraph. 

• “Just recently I started working on my self-esteem, my emotional state and my anxiety.  

I am reading a lot of your articles, blogs, I am watching IGTV, and notice how my world is changing. But there are some issues that I cannot resolve on my own.” 

You have done a great job that you started working on yourself, on your emotional state. It indicates that you are ready to change. When the person is ready to work and is open to change, the change will definitely happen. 

• “Let me start with my Dad. I see that I am anxious because my Dad has been drinking. He didn’t have prolonged drinking episodes, but he would binge-drink for 1-2 days, and then stay sober for 2 weeks or so. But alcohol would never leave our family. Since I was 16 (and now I am 27) I had to go search for him, drag him home, because my grandma worried about him. (She, essentially, raised me. I feel a lot of attachment/dependency towards her.) I was always scared of what kind of mood he would come home in. Would he come home drunk? Would they call me asking to search for him? (I think my anxiety is based on these experiences.) 

I am very sorry that you, as a little girl, had to go through all of this. Such behavior is unacceptable on the part of a father. It is completely unacceptable. And yes, you are right, children of alcoholics often have problems with anxiety, because they are used to living in tension and dual reality.  

• “And now, I catch myself thinking that I just hate my Dad, as soon as he brings alcohol home. It is such an unbearable burning hatred. Meanwhile, when he is sober, everything is OK. Because of these emotions, I feel great shame.” 

Maria – your hatred towards your drunken father is normal and understandable. It is a normal reaction to his past and present behavior. No, we don’t have a duty to adore our parents just because, regardless of their actions. This is nonsense and fiction. 

The goal of any parent is to provide safety to their child. Your father failed in this respect. Therefore, why would you adore an alcoholic who harassed you? No reason. 

Next, here is an important moment: you don’t hate your father overall, just partially. And you, by the way, have noticed it. There is Dad whom you love. And there is Dad whom you hate. Both are your father. People have many facets, many parts. You can have different feelings towards these parts. And it is important to recognize it. 

• “I am not able to talk to him openly – I am afraid of another drunken scandal. In addition to that, my Mom basically abandoned me. She also liked to drink. In general, I am terrified of being left without a family.”  

Maria, I am very sorry that your mother behaved this way. I have news for you. Unfortunately, you’ve never had a family.  There are two people who failed as parents. And there is you, who was and is trying to save them. But it’s hard to call this arrangement a family. 

A family is an alliance. It implies respect, mutual caring, gentle kindness, and support. Unfortunately, you don’t have any of this with these people. 

• “In addition to that, now my parents started renovations in their own apartment and asked to move in with me. These renovations have been going on for 5 years. And we are living in my 300 sq ft apartment – 5 people. 

I even went to work abroad, to earn more money. I came back and gave some money to them, just to speed up the renovations. But it wasn’t enough. I am planning to go again, after the pandemic is over, probably next March. I want to lend them even more money, just so that they would move away from me.” 

Maria, I think it would be good for you to consider why this is going on in this manner. Your parents are obviously dragging their feet. For whatever reason, it is more convenient for them to live with you. And you are allowing that. You are not raising any objections, but YOU ARE LEAVING YOUR HOME. 

It is an indication that you don’t have strong boundaries and you are not able to defend them. It would be good for you to start working on this issue. 

• “In addition to that, now during the lockdown, I lost my job (I am a dancer). I started learning web design, so that I could have an alternate source of income (I had to pay for my lessons). I am continuing to pay for my apartment using my savings. But my savings are dwindling, and I still need to study for about one month. During this lockdown, my guy and I broke up. I had the most wonderful relationship with him in my entire life. This was the last straw that broke me. Because I used to feel very happy in this relationship. There were no signs that we would break up.  

But the lockdown kept us apart. In the second month, we started communicating less, and in early May, right before my birthday, we broke up. Now, I also have this fear that I will never find another person who is so good for me, the person with whom I will be happy. (I am taking your course to deal with the fear of relationships).” 

It is a pity that everything fell on you all at once. It is hard. And, obviously, it causes stress. It is important to work with this stress. We have a course “Antistress” – it would be good for you. 

Regarding your thoughts about “I will never find” let me tell you this. You will not find the person who is exactly like him. But you will find a different person, with whom you could be happy in a different way. Because by the time you meet him, you will be a different person, not the same one as with your ex. We change and our relationships change, and it is normal. 

• “I am trying very hard to get out of this state myself, gradually. There were moments during this lockdown when I was just sitting and weeping thinking that my life no longer makes sense. I even considered the best ways to commit suicide.” 

I hear you. When everything falls on you at the same time, it is hard to bear it. Tears, even thinking about ending your life – these are normal reactions in such circumstances. Unpleasant, difficult, but normal.  

• “But I dragged myself out of it, with your help. I don’t know how I found the strength… I started meditating, keeping a diary, walking in the park (as soon as it was allowed), taking care of myself. 

You are doing a great job. You deserve to feel proud and to be respected.  

• “But now, I realize that I will not be able to deal with my all-consuming feelings towards my father on my own.” 

Ideally, you should work with a therapist. If you don’t have such options, then work independently, by dealing with your feelings and emotions. In your hatred there are many components: resentment, anger, helplessness, etc. You can take them little by little, one by one, and unravel this tangle.  

• “How can I survive until next year, so that I could travel again, earn money, and lend it to my parents?” 

Maria, I don’t really understand why you should be solving the problem with their apartment. This is not your goal. Your goal is to protect yourself.  

• “This hatred towards him, when he is drunk – it is simply destroying me.” 

I am guessing that you feel this unbearable intensity partially because you are blaming yourself for this feeling. You are trying to push it down and you don’t allow yourself to show it. 

• “Thank you for your response.  

I know that I should be decisive, but the fear of being left without a family paralyzes me. They will definitely get offended, including my grandma, because she is dancing around my Dad.” 

Maria, I think you should look at it from an adult position. So, what will happen if they get offended? Are they bringing so many good things into your life? So far, I haven’t heard any of that in your story. All you wrote about was their negative influence on your life. 

Also, I’d say, they may get offended, but they will get over it. These are dependent people. They seldom leave because they get offended. And, to be honest, this is unfortunate. 

• “I admire everything that you do for others.” 

Thank you. Maria, I hope that you will look at your situation from a more balanced and rational perspective. I understand that it is difficult. Obviously, you are a codependent person, and you need to put a lot of effort and start working on your codependency. And, by the way, the first step would be to separate from your parents. You have been wanting to be apart from them, and you really need this. 

Take care of yourself.