Hello. I don’t understand myself.
Good afternoon! I will make my comments while reading your letter.
“A year and a half ago, I met a single handsome man, who was ten years older than me. We started to communicate, and spend daily time together. It was a mix of passion, love, and interest in each other. After a short amount of time, I got pregnant. He proposed, we got married, and went on a honeymoon. Everything seemed to be fine, but as soon as I got pregnant, I was seized with a feeling of crazy jealousy.”
I strongly doubt that the reason for this was only your pregnancy. I think it was like this: you didn’t have much trust initially, and when hormones, marriage (he’s mine!), and other things combined, you decided to show your real approach.
“I began to check his phone (he still has no password); I was sure that he had cheated on me when I would find messages from other women.”
It’s a rather strange way to find balance and trust in a couple. You want to invade his personal space with checks and subsequent reproaches. If you perceive any communication as cheating, then the following question arises: why are you still with a person, who’s constantly cheating on you?
“Any time he goes out with friends, I think he’s with someone else. As soon as we have a fight (the reason was always the same… my jealousy), I always pack up and go to my parents… just to return in a couple of days.”
It would be good to analyze the reason to do that. You obviously don’t want to break up. Why do you need these manipulations with collecting things? What are you trying to push your partner to do in this way? What do you want to get out of it?
“So a couple of weeks before the birth, I installed an app to see his location. Naturally, he didn’t know about this app. I went to the hospital for saving, everything was normal… I looked at his location and he was always either at home or at work or with friends. I was discharged from the hospital, and we had another quarrel. I packed my things and went to my parents. Then I wake up at 4 am, open the app, and see that he is in a sauna. At first, I thought he was with friends. He likes to relax and drink (he likes beer every day, while the rest is for the weekend).”
I just want to emphasize that your man is a dependent person. He’s an alcoholic. Your relationship is codependent. And not just because of his alcoholism. But also because everything in your communication is saturated with inadequate control and actions that you take solely with one purpose, i.e. to get something from him. We still don’t know what you really want.
“I call him, but he turned off the phone. I go there and wait for him. I want to see who’s there with him. In just 30 minutes, he comes out with a girl. They had sex before he met me. He sees me, and runs away into the darkness.”
I have to say that you saw what you wanted to see. There he is… with another woman and in obvious and understandable circumstances. But for some reason, he’s running away, not you.
“In general, I forgave him in just a week. He still swears that they just happened to be there and nothing happened. I don’t believe this nonsense, of course.
Self-therapy can be an essential tool for personal growth and self-improvement.
Browse through our courses and see the positive changes they can bring to your life.
You are not sure where to begin?
Why did I forgive him?”
Let’s start with the fact that you haven’t forgiven. You followed the usual pattern: I left – He promised to love – I returned. Everything in your relationship happens without including thinking. I’m sorry, but it’s true. You just use the same way again and again.
Why do I carry our child under my heart, and he does this?
If I follow the chronology of your letter, the sauna took place after you gave birth. This is the first moment. Here’s the second one. What do you do in your relationship? What do you want to show by constantly running away and manipulating? You both balance the system that has developed in your couple. This system looks like this: one runs away, the second one is trying to catch up. Both of you can stop doing this. Here’s the third one. What do you do with your child? You are putting him under such stress, not only from the moment of birth but also before birth. Did he deserve this?
“I think he was tired with my jealousy and decided to cheat, wasn’t he? Maybe I was right and he was sleeping with other women all the time?”
Let’s go back to the beginning of your letter. You should remember where your distrust really started.
This is the first moment.
Here’s the second one. It would be useful to understand the motive of your jealousy. Is he your property? Doesn’t he have any right to live without you? Are you afraid of losing him?
It would be good to identify it. Then it will become clear what is hidden behind the jealousy.
“A lot of questions are still spinning in my head. I can’t get rid of this situation. I always think about it and we argue.”
You are still thinking about the situation because the entire system of your relationship is built around it. If there are no jealousies and fights… How will you live? What will you talk about? How will you maintain your passion and interest in each other?
“I gave birth to a child and it seems that he has completely changed. He sits at home and shows more attention than ever. But I continue to be jealous and eat his brain.”
And it confirms my guess above. Even when “everything is fine”, you can’t stop and use the usual methods. If you forget about the sauna case, you will be jealous because of an actress on TV.
What for? What is the key goal?
“I love him and I don’t want to leave him, but how can I forget it?”
What is the purpose of forgetting? So far, it seems that you do not really understand how to live without it.
I also think it’s important for you to reflect on what love means to you. What does it look like? What does it consist of?
“I justify his behavior, his parties (this is not the first situation, but so far the last), and his addiction to alcohol. I always think that he lives with me because of the child.”
Alcohol addiction is not the reason. It’s one of the symptoms of dependent behavior. He hangs around not because he wants to drink. He goes out and drinks because that’s the way he lives. You are also part of this system. You are a woman who chases him. You are his stimulant.
“I can’t leave. I can go for two days, but I want to return. Without him is more difficult than with him.” I don’t understand myself. I’m confused. Please help me.”
First of all, you have never been without him. Two days or even two weeks are not enough. However, you certainly feel that you can’t live without him on an emotional level. This is a classic sign of a codependent relationship. You think that you will die if this guy won’t be near, even though he’s not the best one.
Your problem is not jealousy. Jealousy is just a scheme for maintaining a codependent frame. And you need to work with your tendency to codependency.
In perfect conditions, you need a psychologist. Because judging by everything you described, the problem is deep and with a family history (I would suggest alcohol addiction in one of your parents, and destructive behavior pattern… perhaps similar to yours).
If you can’t go to a psychologist, try to use our “Codependency” educational course.
Take care,
Nika Nabokova
