How to survive a difficult conversation?

If you are one of those people who dread difficult conversations, then this article is for you. 

We created a step-by-step plan that will help you to diminish your negative emotions and to strengthen your resolve. 

First and foremost is your position. 

If you have a clear, specific, well thought through position that you feel good and confident about – you accomplished 70% of your task. 

If your position is unclear, flimsy, staggering back and forth – you first need to figure out what your message is, and only then start a conversation. 

You must have firm and specific answers to these questions: 

• What do I want to say? 

• What do I want to convey? 

• About what do I want to inform? 

• What do I want to ask about? 

• What is my basis? 

• What are my assumptions?  

The second important rule is to have a plan. 

This rule is especially important for those who tend to get lost in thoughts and drown in emotions. 

Create a bullet point plan for your message. It should be short, clear, and logical. 

Important! All the statements and messages should be about you. 

In general, if your goal is to push a person to do something that they don’t want to do, you can forget about it. 

The third rule is to have supporting arguments. 

Think about what arguments you can use. In conversations when you are looking to find a mutual understanding, you need arguments. In breakup conversations – you don’t necessarily need them: they may even hurt you, since they create an opening for counterarguments. 

Think about what you will rely on, how you will appeal, and how to react to the answers of the other party. 

The fourth rule is to know what your success looks like. 

Define what would be the indicator of a successful conversation. The answer to the question “what do I want as a consequence of this conversation” will help you. 

The fifth rule – the finish line. 

Think about when the conversation will be over. How will you know when it is time to stop? 

The sixth rule – the best defense is being prepared. 

If you are afraid of your counterpart, think about how you will “retreat” in case they “attack”. 

Remember, you can always leave the conversation and postpone it until a better opportunity comes up. 

The seventh rule – emotional safety. 

You know what may happen to you during difficult conversations, therefore you can think about how to deal with it. 

Identify the main difficult emotions, write them down. 

Think about how you can reduce each one of them (you can use our section “Psychosutra”). 

Practice. For example, if I get angry, I will breathe like this. If I want to cry, I will use this trick. 

The eighth rule – accepting your emotions. 

Do not try to turn off your anxiety and nervousness. It is impossible – we always worry before difficult conversations. 

Your task is to reduce the intensity of your emotions. 

Breathe, relax your body, jump around, do squats, listen to inspiring music. 

The ninth rule is a ritual. 

Think of a small ritual or a charm. A charm is better – you can keep it unnoticed in your hand, and it will give you more support. 

The tenth rule is self-support. 

Cheer yourself up. Tell yourself that you are doing great – it is cool to decide to have a difficult conversation. Remind yourself that in any case, you are on your side.