Our values guide and define our lives. It is a basis for all our life choices, no matter how large or small they may be. What values a person has depends upon what they view as important and a priority, and what is secondary or insignificant.
Every person has their personal values-goals (terminal) and values-means (instrumental).
Examples of values-goals: love, material comfort, social recognition, freedom, the happiness of others, personal growth, entertainment, etc.
Examples of the values-means: education, self-control, rationalism, good upbringing, striving for perfection in oneself and others, honesty, great aspirations, etc.
It is easy to see that we get along better with people if our values are similar. And we do not find mutual understanding with the people whose values are different from ours. Values are what unites or separates people, as opposed to, for example, preferences. If you listen to heavy metal, and your friend can’t get enough of pop songs – this is unlikely to prevent you from communicating. But if you have honesty and integrity as one of your core values, and your friend shoplifts, this will become an irreconcilable obstacle.
That is why we unconsciously evaluate other people according to these parameters, compare them with ours, and draw conclusions.
It would be so convenient if there was a certain template – a kind of yardstick that can be applied to a new acquaintance and you immediately find out – is this person like you? Is this “your” person? It would be great if you could learn this by asking two-three questions, so as not to waste time and get close to those who are very different from you.
We have to disappoint you. ☹ There are no universal questions (no recipe). But! This does not mean that the values of other people will remain a black box because, in the process of personal communication, each of us, between the lines or directly, always talks about what is important for them.
It is in the process of dialogue that you can understand whether you are in the same coordinate system with the other person.
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Alex told us how when his neighbor had a fire, he ran into the smoke-filled house to save a cat. This indicates that Alex values the lives of others – no matter whether it is a person or an animal.
Alesha cannot get pregnant, but she wants to have children. She decided to adopt a baby. Children are important to her.
Anthony works long hours to earn money for an apartment in a trendy downtown district and a fancy car. His values include material comfort and social status.
Not all values separate people – they can continue being close if there are other anchor points. For example, if you must have the latest iPhone but your friend is OK with an old Nokia – this does not mean that you will not find a common language, because you can agree on other points – attitude towards people, life, etc. But if other similarities are not present – this is where communication usually ends.
If you start observing, then the values of another person are quite easy to see. You can tell a lot by the way the other person behaves:
○ towards themselves
○ towards other people
○ in difficult situations
If you get a chance to have a heart-to-heart conversation, you can ask the person to select one plant, animal, or movie or book character and indicate three important qualities for the chosen object. You can guess their values based upon these answers.
Just do not get carried away with such testing. ?
And it is very interesting to learn your own values, by the way. As we know from experience, people do not know themselves very well either…
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