Many of us carry our parents’ expectations into adulthood. Later, we may also worry about disappointing our partners, friends, or other people we care about. As a result, we end up doing what others expect of us—even when it isn’t what we truly want. Everyone else might approve, but the one person who remains unhappy is you.
So, how do you figure out what you really want—not what your mom, your partner, or your friends want for you? And how can you create a life that genuinely makes you happy?
To figure out what you really want, start by paying attention to your everyday needs, interests, emotions, and sources of excitement. When you aren’t in tune with your own desires, you can miss even the most obvious ones. Understanding yourself begins with listening to your inner voice—and starting with the little things.
Step 1: Start With Your Basic Needs
Begin by paying attention to your basic physical needs. Do you want another bite of that soup, or have you had enough? Are you tired? Do you need to drink some water or take a bathroom break, but you’re pushing through and ignoring the signals from your body?
If you struggle to recognize what you want at this basic level, start here. Notice when you’re hungry, don’t force yourself to eat food you don’t enjoy, go to the bathroom when you need to, and go to bed when you’re sleepy. These small choices help you practice noticing and responding to your own needs.
Pay Attention to Your Interests
Once you feel more comfortable recognizing your basic needs, move on to your personal interests and preferences. Do you know which songs make you happy? Which movies do you actually enjoy? What do you choose when no one else is influencing your decision?
It’s okay if you don’t know the answers right away. When you start asking yourself these questions and taking a genuine interest in your own life, you can begin to experience more positive emotions in your everyday routine.
Step 2: Revisit Your Old Dreams
Think back to the things you wanted in the past. If possible, try them now and notice how they make you feel. An old dream can give you useful information about your current desires, even if it no longer appeals to you.
Maybe you’ve always wanted to try a slice of red velvet cake, but your mom once told you it was bad for you, so you’ve kept putting it off. Give it a try. It might become your favorite dessert—or you might discover that you hate it. Either way, you’ll understand your own tastes better.
The goal isn’t to force yourself to like something you once wanted. It’s to give yourself the chance to find out how you feel about it now.
Step 3: Look for Inspiration in Other People
Think about what you admire in other people’s lives. Browse examples on Pinterest or social media, listen to interviews, or read stories about people who inspire you. Pay attention to whatever catches your interest or sparks a sense of excitement.
If you find yourself captivated by your friend Olivia’s Instagram stories about her life in Brazil, that’s a clue. It doesn’t necessarily mean you need to move to Brazil, but something about Olivia’s life is exciting to you. Ask yourself: What exactly am I responding to?
Looking at other people’s lives isn’t about copying them. Instead, use what you admire as a way to identify the experiences, choices, or possibilities that may matter to you.
Step 4: Ask Yourself the Tough Questions
This may be the hardest step, but it’s also crucial. Honest self-reflection can help you separate your own desires from the expectations you’ve absorbed from other people.
Take some time to ask yourself questions such as:
- What usually grabs my attention?
- What do I feel drawn to?
- What motivates me to act?
- What brings me joy?
- What do I want more of in my life?
- What do I want less of in my life?
You don’t need to answer every question immediately. The important thing is to notice your responses and begin recognizing the patterns in what attracts, energizes, or interests you.
Step 5: Turn Your Desires Into Clear Goals
Once you’ve identified what you really want, write it down. Choose the things that matter most to you and turn them into clear, specific goals. Then break each goal into small, manageable tasks so you know what to do next.
How to Break a Dream Into Smaller Steps
For example, Katie wants to study at a university in Paris. To make that dream possible, she first needs to finish school, choose a university or course, prepare her application, brush up on her French, and decide where she’ll live.
Katie turns the big dream of studying in Paris into a series of smaller steps:
- Finish school.
- Choose a university or course.
- Prepare and submit an application.
- Improve her French.
- Work out where she’ll live.
Then she begins taking action—and Katie succeeds. When you know what you want and set clear goals, achieving those goals becomes much easier.
Start Listening to What You Want
Learning what you truly want doesn’t have to begin with a major life decision. It can start with noticing that you’re tired, choosing a movie you genuinely enjoy, revisiting an old dream, or asking yourself what brings you joy.
Understanding your true desires is the key to creating and living the life you’ve always dreamed of. Start small, listen closely to yourself, and turn what matters to you into clear, practical steps.
Follow us on social media 👇
