Guilt is a faithful companion to people going through a breakup. Here is what’s important to know about it:
Fact One
Obsessive guilt is a kind of control. If it’s all my fault, then it’s in my power to change everything, to replay the situation, to undo things. If I could break it, I can fix it!
I just need to figure out how. Spoiler: if you stick to this illusion, you’ll find it really hard to get rid of your painful guilt.
Fact Two
Guilt can be adequate and inadequate (neurotic). Adequate guilt means that there is a specific fault, some clear damage, and you know how to repair this damage; you are responsible only for yourself and your behavior. Neurotic guilt means that there are no specifics, only generalized evaluation, total responsibility for yourself and for the other person’s behavior, self-rejection.
Fact Three
The mindset “I can’t forgive myself” is a sign of internal conflict. The phrase itself implies two parts: the one to blame, and the one that is blaming. You need to get in touch with the accusing part and ask it what it wants, what it is trying to achieve by accusing you, and what has to happen to make it feel better.
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Fact Four
Neurotic guilt after a breakup may indicate that you tend to take on someone else’s responsibility, and have the complex of feeling guilty all the time. As a rule, it develops in people coming from destructive families, where adults manipulated the child’s sense of guilt in order to teach them and make them behave in a desired way.
Fact Five
Guilt and the ability to get over it are related to self-esteem and self-image. People who have issues with self-perception cope with guilt worse than those who have an adequate and positive self-image.
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