Ghosting

Relationships as a phenomenon change over time. The way people interact today is very different from how they formed relationships say, fifty, one hundred, or two hundred years ago. It is not surprising because the very cycle of development of relationships has become shorter and more fleeting – time and distance cease to matter. People get together faster and break up quicker, in general, too.  And mobile communications, instant messengers contribute a lot to this trend…

New forms of behavior in communication have also appeared, which did not exist before. We will talk about one of them today.

Tim and Geoffrey have been dating for several months. They went to the cinema, to cafes, even drove together for a romantic weekend in British Columbia… And then something incomprehensible happened. Tim suddenly stopped communicating and answering calls. He replied to Geoffrey’s message that he was busy and would call later, but did not call back. A few days later, Geoffrey, who was simply on edge from anxiety and the lack of information, discovered that Tim had deleted their chat on Telegram and blocked him on FB and Instagram. A month later, Geoffrey turned to a psychotherapist on the verge of a nervous breakdown: questions swarmed in his head day and night. He did not understand what had happened and why Tim left him so suddenly and without explanation.

The word “ghosting” implies that it is a situation when one of the partners disappears from the radar suddenly and completely – and without an explanation. And this, by the way, may happen when everything seems to be going well. Everything was fine, and suddenly he or she simply stops answering phone calls and messages. The communication is ceased, and the partner is left to wonder what has really happened.

Alisha and Helen have been friends for almost half a year. They used to call each other several times a week. On Fridays, they would go to a club or a bar. Sometimes they would just visit each other for a chat and a cup of tea.  Suddenly, Helen somehow pulled away, and then completely stopped communicating. She didn’t answer Alisha’s calls. WhatsApp messages remained unread, although Alisha could see that she went online. Friday gatherings ended … Alisha tried to reach out to her – but no avail. Only a year later, she found out that Helen began dating a man and was afraid that Alisha might like him too. And meanwhile, Alisha has been painfully searching for the reasons for her friend’s disappearance in her own behavior…

Ghosting is a way to end a relationship of any kind: friendship, romantic, sexual, or even business. This is a cruel method that can be equated with psychological violence because the victim is left with a hundred questions and in absolute confusion:

Why? What for? What happened? Am I to blame? Did I offend him/her? Was I dumped for someone else? Did I mean nothing to him/her?

The rejected person feels a whole gamut of complex feelings and emotions: guilt, shame, frustration, anger at themselves and their counterpart, and does not know what to do with these feelings. They are blaming themselves,  trying to understand what they did wrong. But this is a dead-end because there is no feedback and nobody can confirm or reject their guesses.

Why do people ghost?

• They do not want to experience discomfort. “It’s very unpleasant to say that you don’t want to date him/her anymore.”

• The fear of “losing face”. “I’ll look like a bastard – she didn’t do anything wrong.”

• The fear of the partner’s reaction. “He will stalk me”, “She will cry, and I can’t stand tears.”

• The inability to resolve conflicts. Some people are so afraid of conflicts that they avoid them at any cost.

• The lack of empathy, low emotional intelligence. In this case, the person may not understand at all what may cause pain.

• Indifference. “He’ll get over it. I didn’t promise anything.”

How to help yourself if you have been ghosted?

First, we are very sorry if this happened to you. It is very painful…

Remind yourself that what happened is about the personality and strategies of the other person, not about you. You should not poke around in yourself with a rusty nail, looking for the reasons why they did this to you. Don’t do this: “A month ago I made a bad joke, and maybe because of this …”, “Probably he decided that I was not so good in bed, and …”

This is the first and very important point.

Do not try to figure everything out by any means: this is often impossible. And each failed contact will aggravate the feeling of an outstretched unshaken hand. You don’t need to inflict additional pain on yourself.

Try to let go of the situation. Sometimes agreements are broken unilaterally and nothing can be done about it.

Find a good way to release your raging emotions. You can write a letter to the “ghoster” that will not be sent, or a message on the messenger, but to yourself, to express everything to the real addressee, but without sending them a text. Talk to a friend or psychologist to get support, which is much needed during this time.

You need to give yourself time to get over what happened and move on. Ghosting is very unpleasant. But if you approach yourself with care, it will be much easier to survive it.

If you find it difficult to experience a breakup, take a look at our course “Post Breakup”. This is a therapeutic program that you can use independently. You can read more about it here <link>