Case: Can one not rely on men?

Hello! I’m 37. I’ve been divorced for a year and a half after a 10-year-long relationship.

My family history includes a grandmother who carried the entire household, children and grandchildren on her shoulders; grandfather mostly drank and slept. Sometimes he went to the neighbors’ and drank there.

A mother who raised four children alone because my father disappeared when I was seven. She did meet a man afterwards with whom she lives to this day, but according to her, he’s unreliable. Basically, I’ve never had (or have seen due to the dispositions) an example of a reliable man.

My friend’s father who had been around a very authoritative mother killed himself, and I haven’t had any other man around me.

As a result, I grew up and I’m living with a disposition that I must bear everything myself. This resulted in a marriage to a man for whom I assumed the role of a mother. We had an age difference of 8 years (I’m older) and I suppose this had made the situation even worse. But I’ve realized that only after we split, having analyzed my actions, his reactions.

The question is how I can change this attitude that one can’t rely on men. Intellectually I know that everyone is different, but I’m afraid of falling into the same trap again and choosing a man who needs a mother that will direct, choose for him and clean the house.

I want an equal partnership. Where we support, help each other. I want a relationship with an adult, I already have a child 🙂  Thanks a lot for the opportunity to have my situation worked through. Greetings!

Your situation is a clear example of scenarios we adopt through our parental families. It’s hard for a woman who had been seeing her mother doing everything herself her entire life not to absorb such behavior. Thankfully, there are effective strategies of psychology and psychotherapy, and the scenarios can be solved if desired.

There is little that can be recommended for working on oneself. I will write you some thoughts that you can ponder in order to understand this issue more deeply. But the scenarios are best changed with a psychologist. Or you can take our “Brainwash” course, it’s all about cleaning out toxic ideas.

I’d recommend you answer the following questions:

• Try coming up with an image of a man who needs a mother. How can you spot such a man?
• And think about how exactly you’ve been acting in your previous relationship, how you became a “mother”. Maybe he was doing something, and you got involved in the capacity of a “mother”.
• In what situation were you “the mother”?
• How do you see an equal partnership? You don’t know the man yet, but you can already consider what kind of relationship you can say that about. What should be happening in them for it to “be an equal partnership”?

I also recommend:

• Separating a person’s independence from “bearing everything yourself when a person is in a relationship”. It’s very cool that a person is independently able to provide for their life, execute their responsibilities. To bear everything yourself when you’re in a relationship is another matter. In your case, it’s quite clear where you got such scenarios from. But you need to understand that in this case, the person bears things by themselves, and the second partner doesn’t mind. This situation is about two people. Here, it’s important to understand what you are going to do yourself and what you want your partner to do. Perhaps it’s important for you that your partner does something specific – so what can it be?
• Regarding the men. I’m sorry you’ve never had a decent example in your life. But a man’s image could be a trope. You can see qualities or actions that you like in other men. And gradually put together an image or qualities of men that appeal to you.

After you answer these questions, you’d have a clearer picture of the previous situation and would b able to see what exactly it is you’re going for.