Blamestorming: My mother the monster

“Hello.

To begin with, I’m having problems in my relationship with my mother. These problems are really affecting me. I have no confidence in myself. That is because back home I’d often hear that I was a nobody, and no one wanted me. I’m already 22. And at home, I hear insults that nobody’s gonna want to marry me. And that once I do get married, I’m gonna be abused. In addition to psychological abuse, physical is also not unheard of. I used to somehow be able to endure it. But there was an incident.

It was New Year’s Eve or 2017 when mom, after getting drunk (she only used to have alcohol during celebrations), started beating me. She was beating me because I had gotten involved when adults were arguing. All the children started crying and I got involved and said that if they couldn’t hold their alcohol, they shouldn’t have any. After dad had left to take our relatives home, my little brother, mom, and I stayed. Mom was hitting me so hard she’d backed me into a corner. She was literally spitting at me and started saying I was a bitch, a nobody etc. Then she told me to drop dead and she really was wishing it with utter loathing. She often wished me death, sometimes she’d say “you should’ve died when you tried to kill yourself”. I’ve been thinking a lot about these words ever since.

I used to blame myself. That I really was bad. I was beaten for not being able to make dumplings. I was told off for not tidying up quickly enough or wasting too slowly. That’s been happening since I was a kid. My mom often says that a girl ought to be happy with her husband and not at home. And if her mother humiliates her – that’s normal. Take it. I can’t afford anything expensive, even though I have a job. But now, whenever I buy something, I think that I don’t deserve it. I have been kicked out of the house. When I packed my things and tried to leave, I was beaten again and told “What, do you have somewhere to go?” And mom often tells me that she doesn’t want to live in the same house with me. That she just pities me, because “there’ll be gossip that you’re a slut”.

And father. He reacts like mother tells him. I wanted to tell him everything. And then mom says “what, do you want us to get divorced?”… am I a wanted kid? Yes, because mom couldn’t have children for a long time… I already realized that it’s not possible to fix the relationship…”.

Good day.

Yes, you’re right that you can’t fix the family relationship (certainly not at this stage), and you can’t fix your mom either.

I’m very sorry that you’ve had such a relationship with a loved one in your life. A mother is an important person for a child and a teenager, but occasionally the relationships can also be unhealthy like in this situation.

Physical abuse and words about death are unacceptable in healthy relationships. It’s a reason to protect yourself from mom and live away from her. Perhaps some communication is possible at a distance.

Unfortunately, you haven’t included a question. So I’ll give you a general response about what one must know in such situations.

You have to find a way to take care of yourself. And only you can do it.

1. You have to protect yourself from violence. Definitely stop living in those conditions, and it is possible not to communicate for some time.
   
2. Find an opportunity to go to a therapist and get rid of the pain and consequences of physical and moral abuse.
   
3. Think about what has supported you all these years? What’s so important for you in this life that it helps you overcome these difficulties?
   
4. You write that there are a lot of bad things in your life. I agree. What you are describing are difficult circumstances. But it’s important to remember the good. What is going well in your life? Maybe there are some favorite activities? Maybe something “warms” you up from the inside? Consider the good things you have.
   
5. Physical abuse leaves its mark on a child. Growing up, this child often stays an unhappy adult. To work on yourself and to build your happiness, you should seek help.
   
6. In families where mothers say such terrible things, children adopt attitudes in their heads, keep them and then live with these attitudes. “I am nobody, I don’t deserve” and so on can then become part of your thinking and will haunt you. This is also a case for seeing a therapist.
   

If you’ve asked me how to regain your mental health after such a family. I would’ve given you this plan.

• Leave that home and restrict communication to safe only. Safety is not just about ruling out physical abuse. But also, moral abuse (sayings about death and other nasty things).
  
• When you leave home, you will take some of the problems with you. You are already saturated with this bitter experience. There may be mistrust of people, an illusion may arise – “I’ll marry, and it will all end”. Constant anxiety, insecurity, depression, attracting similar people to your life can follow your experiences into adulthood.
  
• First you need to start recognizing yourself. Face the emotions you’d experienced in those situations. And learn to cope with emotions. And then with such situations. Learn to protect yourself. Learn to see such people and know what to do with them for the sake of your own well-being. And gradually return to normal, where life will be better.

This shouldn’t be happening. Your mother is a mentally ill person. Whatever the child does, to commit physical violence is to cross the line. The line after which the child receives psychological trauma, and his later life can be poisoned forever (if nothing’s done about it). And post-abuse relationship is an unhealthy relationship.

You can’t prove anything to such a person. You can’t change them or explain how much pain they’ve caused you.

But you can become happy. It’ll require a lot of effort and investment, but you’d be able to change a lot in your future.

Natalia Nikulina

Consulting Psychologist