A family system: what it is and how it can help you solve your problems 

A lot of problems that a person experiences today are rooted in their early childhood, and some of them — in the experience of many generations in the family. Why does this happen? 

Every new generation contributes to building a family system — a complex network of relationships, connections and emotional interaction between family members. It includes common values and beliefs that a person inherits from their parents that they, in turn, inherited from their parents. Today we will dive into the concept of family system and help you understand the special features of your own family system.

What types of families are there?

Lots of different types: complete or incomplete families, big or small families, happy or not very happy families. Then there are nuclear families — when a family consists of two parents and their children and combines only two generations, or extended families — families that include many members of different generations: grandparents, uncles, aunts, grandchildren, sisters, brothers, cousins, etc. In any family system, each member plays a certain role and influences the rest of the family.

Each family has its own norms and so-called family scenarios — repetitive and fixed ways to communicate, solve problems and perform its functions. For example, in the patriarchal scenario, the husband is the head of the family that makes decisions, while the wife and children obey these decisions. There are a lot of different scenarios — so many that not all of them have names — because the world is changing rapidly, new norms emerge, spread around and then transform again.

What characterizes a family system?

Members of the same family system usually know what is accepted and what is not accepted in the family in relation to ideas, words or actions. They have a certain image, traditions or a common idea. For example, the idea of how to celebrate Christmas. Or a ritual that indicates that you can start your dinner. Or the habit to go visit others without an invitation. Or a special day to go out of town, etc.

A family system also includes such elements as distribution of roles, establishment of rules and boundaries, conflict resolution and joint decision-making. 

In order to understand what kind of family system you have, it’s good to take note of the following aspects:

1. Analyze how roles and responsibilities are distributed in your family. Is there a clear leader or is democracy prevailing?

2. Evaluate the quality of communication in the family. How do you communicate with each other, how often, through what channels? Who initiates communication more often?

3. Take note of distribution of authority. How are decisions made in your family, are there unbreakable rules or are your loved ones willing to adapt to the situation?

4. What is the emotional situation in your family? Do you feel supported, emotionally close to others? Or is there tension and conflict? Perhaps dependence and lack of personal boundaries are typical of your family?

5. How do you spend the holidays? Do you gather together, give gifts, congratulate each other with a text message, or are you willing to fly to the other part of the world to surprise your family?

A family is not just a group of individuals with shared DNA: everything is interconnected and interdependent in a family. In this case, the common is more important and probably stronger than the individual. 

Let’s look at an example:

The husband slammed the door, showing that he was furious. His wife got angry at him, and he got offended with her even more. She saw it and distanced herself. 

What should they do? Decide who’s to blame? Apologize? Sulk further? In this situation both partners will benefit from knowing about the family system. 

In this example, the husband’s behavior caused a specific reaction in his wife and triggered a particular cycle of responses: resentment, tension and distancing. Knowing about family systems will allow them to look at the situation from an observer’s point of view and understand that the reason for this cycle wasn’t slamming the door at all.

Lack of support (both partners could have supported each other in a difficult situation), different expectations (for example, the husband expected his wife to comfort him, and she got angry; the wife didn’t expect her husband to be offended, and hoped he would hug her) and lack of open communication (it’s better to solve any problem with words, and not to hush it up, leaving your partner to guess) — that’s the root of the problem.

Having this knowledge and understanding you will be able to analyze your family system, its design and special features. You will also focus on specific aspects that need to be changed. For example, you will make an effort to develop the skills of effective listening and expressing your emotions. You will begin to talk openly about what is bothering you, even if there’s a tendency in your family to avoid thorny issues. You will support your husband when you feel like distancing yourself, and you will be surprised to see how easily you can solve what seemed like a difficult issue.