The ability to defend your boundaries is necessary for many life situations. If you do not have boundaries, it is impossible to build adequate relationships, a career, and achieve your goals. In addition, a person who does not feel where they end and another person begins may violate the boundaries of other people.
Here is an important nuance: when a person just realizes that they have boundaries (this often happens in therapy), they seem to be setting up guards with guns around the perimeter, giving the order to shoot everyone who just walks by. This is normal at this stage. But you need to learn to define your boundaries so as not to spoil the relationships, at least where possible.
Let’s try to figure out how to defend your boundaries in different situations.
Very often, the boundaries are violated by close people, and conflicts with mothers are a textbook example.
Mom: “I know better what’s best for you!”
You: “I know that you are trying to take care of me, but this form of care does not suit me.” “I am already an adult, and I will decide for myself.”
Such answers are like an outstretched stopping palm: stop, there is no need to go here.
Mom: “You need to dress more feminine.”
You: “Mom, I like my style of clothes, I’m not going to change it.”
Mom continues to sort through things in your closet.
Your reaction after two requests not to do this: “I am asking you once again not to touch my clothes, otherwise I will have to put a lock on the door of my room.”
It is important not only to say but also to fulfill the warning, otherwise everything is meaningless.
Mom calls in the evenings and starts her “favorite” song about the fact that you are not married, and she wants grandchildren.
Reaction – you warn your mom twice, for the third time you say: “I am very sorry that you do not hear me and continue to speak on a topic that is unpleasant to me. Let’s talk another time, okay? Goodnight”.
And hang up.
And do it every time the topic comes up. Stopping communication will drive the point home and mom will get the message.
Dad: “My daughter wouldn’t do that!”
You: “Dad, I’m sorry that I don’t live up to your expectations, but this is my decision.”
The same applies to friends and colleagues.
A colleague: “Sweetheart, get me some coffee, would you? You are going to the coffee machine anyway.”
You: “Please do not address me like that. My name is Julia. “
It is important to immediately indicate that you do not like something.
A colleague: “You know, red lipstick does not suit you.”
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You are not sure where to begin?
You: “To each his own. But I’m used to deciding for myself what cosmetics to use. I like it. I suggest not to discuss my appearance. “
A friend: “Tabitha, this skirt does not suit you.”
You: “Thank you for providing your opinion, but I did not ask for it.”
With your partner, it is also important to indicate that you do not like something before you accumulate a critical mass of dissatisfaction.
Husband: “You are acting like a fool!”
You: “You can’t talk to me like that. If you don’t like something, choose other words.”
Wife: “And where are you going?”
You: “I don’t like it when you ask where I am going and when I will return as if you control and do not trust me. I do not like it. I wish you didn’t do that. What can I do for this to stop? “
There are phrases you can utilize as a shield. They can be used to separate the words of the manipulator from yourself as if you are hitting a ball flying towards you. “I value our relationship and want to invest in it. But each of us has our own needs and desires, as well as the right to satisfy them. “
“I do not accept accusations that I am to blame for your poor health. I don’t think this is my fault.”
“I’m sorry you were expecting something else.”
The most important thing in upholding boundaries is to feel entitled to defend them. And you do have the right to point out what you are uncomfortable with. If you do not see yourself as a separate person with your own needs and desires, any phrases you say will sound unconvincing.
The main thing is to start. And everything will work out!
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