Today, we are going to talk about some invisible force that often becomes a great obstacle preventing us from achieving important life goals. It may hinder our progress even if we are motivated, have good willpower, and know where we want to go.
It is Its Highness Resistance. It comes as if from nowhere and paralyzes any activity in the direction you want to go.
Let’s see a couple of examples of what it may look like.
Marianne started going to psychotherapy. She had a lot of problems, but was solving them slowly but surely. Her life started to change for the better and it made her quite happy. But suddenly, she hit a certain “wall”. She skipped the last two sessions: the first time because her throat started hurting a little bit and she decided that it is better to stay at home. And the second time – she just forgot…
Evan decided to change his lifestyle. Doing more sports was the first step: he got a gym membership and bought weights. He decided to strengthen his core to help his back, following the advice of his physical therapist. But after a couple of times, he gave up, even though he very much would like to have a healthy back…
Audrey needs to write an article as a part of the interview process in the magazine where she submitted her resume. A lot depends upon how well she does it: she can quit the job she does not like and get a coveted position of editor in a magazine. She has been waiting for this chance for years! But… five out of six days she was given for the article has passed and there is only one left. And she hasn’t even started. Every time she wants to do it something comes up: either she needs to meet with a friend, or walk her dog, or do the dishes, or go see a movie… The deadline is tomorrow, but no progress was made…
We are certain that you can think of a lot of similar examples – both yours and your friends’. This is how resistance works. This force is working to stop you rather than to move you forward. It comes from the inside and it is trying to protect you from changes in your life.
In what ways does resistance show up more often?
Laziness. This is one of the most common disguises of resistance. “I think I am just too lazy to do sports/ work on my project/ write an article.”
Procrastination or “There is always tomorrow”. “I will definitely do it, but not right now”. “Let me get to the next level in the video game, and then I will start working on my article”. “I feel a bit tired. I should go take a nap.”
Avoidance. “Why should take this continued education course? It is unlikely that I will get promoted. I will do it later. Or not…”
Chasing perfection. “It makes no sense to do photography unless you have the latest equipment. And I need to take this course and that one. I need to improve my skills… Otherwise, it doesn’t make sense to try.”
Denial and rationalization – these are well-known psychological mechanisms. “It doesn’t look like I have serious problems. I can live with them – things are much worse for other people.” “To be honest, it is even better that I didn’t get a new job. Think about it: here, everything is familiar, and there – who knows how it will all work out. And my current job is close to home. Salary is not the most important thing.”
Fears and anxieties. “If things will not work out, I will become a laughingstock.”, “It will be a failure”.
So what happened in all these examples? Working with a psychotherapist always triggers a process of psychological change in a person, so resistance in psychotherapy is almost inevitable. Marianne reached very important deep issues and further awareness would lead to significant life changes. So, she “froze” and even her throat started hurting…
Evan truly wanted to strengthen his body. But … his wife was so attentive to him when he had sciatica attacks… And at work, he was freed from tough projects during such periods… Do we need to explain why Evan stopped going to the gym?
Audrey is very scared for many reasons. She does not like her job, but … it is familiar. Plus, she is not very confident in herself as a specialist and is very afraid that she will screw up as an editor. And her mother always used to say: “Well, what kind of editor are you? You have to be smarter there, and you can’t achieve anything without connections. “
Our brain is very conservative and does not like changes. It needs to be convinced that they are not dangerous. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for rationality and long-term planning, but it is difficult for it to combat the limbic system, which sounds an alarm when changes occur, or the reptilian brain, which really wants stability…
And there are also learned beliefs that we received as a gift from our parents and society as a whole. Among them, there are many limiting ones. Take Audrey: the words of her mother suddenly come to her mind: without “connections” she should not even try and she is not “very smart” in general.
Since we unconsciously avoid such experiences as anxiety, guilt, shame, and fear, resistance seems to save us from them. Although, this is an illusion, of course.
What to do when you realize that the resistance has deployed its troops?
1. Give up the idea of getting rid of it completely. If you stop avoiding, you may start procrastinating. It is better to realize that this is a protective mechanism, which means that it is a built-in default setting. It is more important to understand what exactly resistance is protecting you from – then you will deal with the root cause, and not with the effect. As always, we want to treat not the symptom, but the disease.
2. Analyze – what is happening, why, what kind of disguise your resistance is using? Otherwise, you will scold yourself for laziness and ineffectiveness – and this will lead you nowhere.
3. Assess the secondary benefits. Yes, there are some. What do you get by playing this game?
4. Identify what you are missing by giving in to resistance and letting it take over. Evan will receive care and attention, but he will continue to suffer from pain. Audrey will miss an opportunity to change her life. Marianne will hide her head in the sand and continue to pretend that there are no problems …
5. Diminish the significance of the results. “This job will not work out? I’ll get another one, but at least I’ll try here.”
6. Come up with a slogan for special occasions. “Just do it”, “I can do it”, etc.
And most importantly – keep in mind what you are doing all this for. Then no amount of resistance will become an obstacle to your happiness!
Self-therapy can be an essential tool for personal growth and self-improvement.
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