Modesty is considered almost the main virtue, especially for a woman. “Be modest”, “Do not ask for too much”, or “Stand on the side and do not show that you need something.”
Many fairy tales, that teach us morality from early childhood, are filled with images of exaggeratedly modest female characters. Cinderella is the main example of a modest young woman. The moral of the tale is: work hard, do not complain, and happiness will be given to you (prince, love, success). There are many such examples.
But is there something wrong with modesty? Or are we mixing concepts?
In general, appropriate modesty is not bad quality. Appropriate is the key word. This means that a person does not turn up their nose, demonstrating that they are better than everyone else. Their ego is not inflated, and the pronoun “I” is not the only one in their lexicon.
An adequately modest person is quite capable of speaking at the right time and in the right place about their achievements – without boasting about them, but without false modesty either. They can demonstrate to the world their abilities without dying of embarrassment. They have normal self-esteem and no problems with self-presentation.
But toxic modesty is completely different.
“No, no, do not worry about me, I don’t need anything!”, “Well, can you really call me a poet? I’m just… trying to write a couple of verses now and then…”, “Yes, yes, go ahead of me, I’m not in a hurry …”, “Help would be nice, but how can I burden others with my problems? I’d better handle it myself”, “No, I will not accept any gifts – you are too kind to me!”
Such false modesty does not allow a person to realize their abilities and makes them vulnerable to being used and imposed on by other people. The classic Chekhovian “little man” is a great illustration – nothing is expected of him, and no one notices him. Do you really want to be like that?
Self-therapy can be an essential tool for personal growth and self-improvement.
Browse through our courses and see the positive changes they can bring to your life.
You are not sure where to begin?
You need to remember that you are not immodest if:
…you talk about your needs. There is a cold draft from the window – ask if it can be closed. Someone is pushing you with their backpack on a bus – inform the person about this and ask them to move. If you think that you can take on a project – remind your boss about yourself and your abilities. People can’t read minds!
…you accept well-deserved praise. Do you sing well? Accept applause. Got a compliment? Why not – you deserve it.
…you demonstrate your abilities. Do you know how to do something well? Show it, don’t bury your talents in the ground!
…you speak up when your boundaries are violated. The more you remain silent, the more often it will happen.
…you accept help. And even ask for it when needed.
And one more important aspect. Inadequately modest people are afraid of being “inconvenient” for others. But the paradox is that it is precisely this modesty that makes them inconvenient. It is very difficult to communicate with a person who apologizes all the time, refuses every offer, and generally tries to be invisible.
So, give yourself some freedom. Evaluate your modesty – is it appropriate or is it toxic modesty that poisons your life?
Help us grow on Instagram 👇
