A therapeutic story

A young woman named Janet came to us for a consultation. Her issue was that during the last two months her body completely “went on strike”. She started to “forget” how to breathe, especially at night. Suddenly, she would be unable to take a breath and a terrible panic would overwhelm her. Her heart would start beating like crazy, and she would be scared to die from a heart attack or suffocation, right here and now.

We talked with Janet about her life in general and about what changed during the last couple of months. At first, it seemed that everything is fine. Janet told us that she is studying and working, and she has a man she loves. Then, after a brief silence, she added some more information: turns out that her loved one has been married for a long time. He has an adult son and a daughter. He is 20 years older than her. “But I am OK with it” – quickly added Janet.

We also learned that two months ago, Janet asked her man about their future and having a child. She was 27 and she decided to clarify – if they don’t start a family right now, then… when? Her man very firmly pointed out – they are not going to have a family (he already has one), and they will not have children (he already has two, and he is done “playing these games”), and in general – they are doing very well with the way things are, aren’t they?

Janet agreed. True. A marriage certificate is only important to stupid women, she is not like that, she is modern. And children… she doesn’t have to have them… Other people live without children… And in general, why talk about it – everything is well, right? She consciously made her choice because she loves her man. And he loves her too, she is sure of that… And then she started having these panic attacks.

We talked for a long time. About what Janet would like for herself in life, for her future, and what she needs from her man. Almost whispering, Janet admitted that she still would like to get married… and also, that she really wants to have a baby. 

Our psyche is an interesting thing. It protects us from the things that we cannot bear. In this case, for example, Janet has been resisting the fact that she either needs to accept the rules of the game or start building her life differently, without this man. On the surface – she agreed with him. But her internal desires and needs would not leave her alone.

And then, the symptoms appeared like a powerful diversion. It was a trick of her psyche: you can’t solve this internal conflict – forget about it! Now, Janet doesn’t have to solve the problem of uncertainty in her relationship, she doesn’t need to think about the fact that the relationship is not going anywhere, that this is a dead-end. Her body is telling her: “Hold on a second! You have real problems here! You can’t breathe, death is just around the corner – what children?”

And her body made it so that she doesn’t have time to think about her personal life. Now, she is consulting doctors who are not able to find anything wrong with her, and they sent her to see a psychotherapist…

This story doesn’t end well, at least not yet. But this is a real-life story. With the help of a psychologist, Janet realized her internal conflict and became aware of its destructive powers. But… she did not come to the next counseling session. She called her psychologist and told him that if she continues, she would need to leave her man, and she… cannot do that. Therefore, she will stop her counseling. This is her choice.

But there is hope that understanding what is going on will not allow Janet to remain in this destructive for her relationship for a long time.

Anne is tall, beautiful, and very smart. She had a relationship with Trevor, who for 6 years has not been giving her any clarity about their relationship. Sometimes, he would tell her that marriage is not for him – he is a free spirit who doesn’t want to be tied down with formalities. But when Anne would decide to end this relationship, he would make a complete turnaround and tell her that he cannot live without her and sees her as the mother of his children. At this point, Anne would stop packing her things since she wanted children so much! But nothing would change. On her 34th birthday, Anne decided to see a psychologist. Her request was “I want to leave but he won’t let me”.

We talked about the fact that nobody else can “keep us in a relationship”, but we can be “keep ourselves”. We discussed what is making her stay in this relationship – what joy and inspirations it brings to her (turns out that during the last 3 years – absolutely nothing). We learned that Trevor is constantly “feeding” Anne’s self-doubt, telling her that she is not that pretty and can’t do much on her own, and he is the only one who will be with her. They didn’t live together. He would visit her from time to time, and at the same time, he was also seeing other women and was not trying to hide it.

In the mornings Anne needs to go to work. Her train is at 4:30 AM! If Trevor would stay overnight, he would be fast asleep at this time and didn’t allow her to turn on the lights. She had to put makeup on using her smartphone lighting…

We had 10 counseling sessions. We talked about Anne’s desires. About things that she likes and wants from life. About other men who were not present in her life because Trevor’s ghost would occupy all the space. About her birth family, where her parents didn’t take her feelings into account, just like right now she is doing herself… And about the fact that Trevor benefits from destroying her self-esteem to keep her attached to him.

After a month, Anne told us that she did go out to a club with her girlfriends who already lost hope for her. There, she met an old acquaintance Keith, whom she used to know quite well. And… he started calling her regularly.

After some time, during a counseling session, Anne said that for the first time in many years she felt like a woman. She signed up for dancing classes and finally started her coursework for a second college degree. (Trevor would always tell her that there is no need, and she would fail anyway because she is too old). And two months later, Anne broke up with Trevor. She simply didn’t let him into her apartment and her life.

• These are two different stories. And two different choices.

In both of them, working with a psychologist helped women realize important things. But Anne was braver than Janet and with the help of a specialist, she was able to change her life. Now Anne is married to Keith. She invited her therapist to the wedding.