Abusive relationships are very devious. Sometimes their viciousness and horror goes unnoticed not only by the friends, relatives, and loved ones of the victim, but also by the victim herself.
Olivia and Victor have been married for four years. The people around them consider their marriage, and Victor himself, almost perfect. Even Olivia’s parents see how caring Victor is for their daughter, how much he works and provides for the family. But at home, Olivia tries her best to avoid making her husband angry and carefully chooses her words in their conversations so as not to get slapped. This had already happened before, but Victor then explained that if she had not answered him so boldly when he made that remark about a poorly ironed shirt, this wouldn’t have happened. Last month Victor tore her dress, but she understands that it was her fault because he had warned her that dresses and skirts should extend below the knee so that no one would “stare”. “You know how men are! I care about you, stupid.” Olivia knew this, but she liked the dress so much that she had bought it anyway. If it weren’t for that nothing would’ve happened, and she, the idiot, ruined their evening. Olivia is already calling herself an idiot.
Olivia can’t remember what she was like three years ago, three years because the first year of marriage was great – pretty much as always. Now she always feels stupid, worthless, and inappropriate. What else can she feel? Blunder after blunder, be it she doesn’t have time to cook dinner by 5:30 knowing that Victor is watching his weight and doesn’t eat after six. Naturally, it’s her fault and she knows it. Anyone, naturally, would hurl a frying pan across the room for that. Is it her fault? It is her fault. When Victor’s colleague called, she answered the phone and smiled at his joke. Everything makes sense here, too. A smile is a flirt and she’s a married woman so Victor, as needed, pulled her by her hair. Is it her fault? It is her fault. Victor warned her a hundred times to avoid provoking him. He wants to be kind and affectionate to her, but she always spoils everything.
Victims of abuse often come to the conclusion that they are stupid and/or selfish because their partner constantly accuses them of it and uses this argument to explain the situation. These victims develop emotional dependence, slowly lose self-confidence, give up their own positions in favor of the aggressor, and develop anxiety and fear stemming from the belief that all this is solely because of them.
- I’m guilty.
- I deserve this.
- I provoked this.
- It’s because of me.
- I need to work on myself and everything will be okay.
This is the kind of whirlpool that can circle around within the victim’s head. The victim’s logic is unique, and can confuse another person who is “outside” of this system of thinking, outside of this circle.
To look the eyes of a person who, through cloudy eyes, verbally convinces you that it was their own fault they were kicked around, had their nose or ribs broken, got pulled by the hair, were humiliated, or were slapped very badly, and to hear that it was because they simply provoked the other person, and “naturally, the other person couldn’t tolerate it anymore”, is insufferable.
People who try to delve into this bewildering logic don’t understand, how can one think this? How can one truly believe in it? It’s definitely possible, because the abusers are conscious and unconscious masters of manipulation. From month to month, from year to year they crafted their trap of accusations, “educated” the other person, and alternated between whip and cookie (the further along, the more this “cookie” actually became pauses between whip strikes). Now the victim is like a fly in a web, a web that they finds themselves in by their own volition, although it’s a little difficult to call it “volition” here, because the victim is completely oppressed. The victim falls into destructive patterns of dependency and the longer he or she remains in the destructive relationship, the more dependent he or she becomes.
Abuse tactics involve some kind of brainwashing so that the victim believes what he or she thinks and feels is “wrong”. The victim does not trust his or her feelings at all, and often turns them off or distances from them. This activates a psychological defense mechanism.
Abusers usually control the decision-making process and the victim is completely isolated from it, or is given a “nominal” opportunity to have a voice on something (which is in all actuality just a little game), only to devalue their voice and make them feel like a nobody.
If, to this, we add the constant humiliation, the requirement to meet completely unrealistic standards (being an ideal partner in all areas), and the constant nose being shoved into real and fictional shortcomings, it becomes clear why the victim assures themself of their inadequacy as a partner and just a person in general. The victim sincerely believes that they are unworthy of love and good treatment and deserve punishment.
Changing values and principles in order to avoid rejection and anger is often a consciously chosen self-preservation strategy for those who are exposed to abuse. Otherwise, they can’t possibly endure it.
Sam and Lana’s marriage was difficult. They fought a lot. Lana constantly accused him of not being a man, being unable to decide anything, having butterfingers that can’t do anything, bringing little money to the family, and being a crap lover. She stays with him just out of pity. Where’ll he go without her anyway? He’ll go missing, he’ll get wasted. Before Sam didn’t drink at all, but for the last couple of years he started really drinking regularly, especially after these scandals. Six years ago, Lana got pregnant against Sam’s will. He didn’t want to have a baby as he was afraid that then this would definitely never go away. Lana was on birth control pills, so said she, before getting pregnant. Beautiful Maria was born. Now, when Sam is being “disobedient”, Lana grabs her daughter and says: “Look! Daddy doesn’t love us. He wants to leave you and leave forever, the scoundrel! You’ll be left without a father!” Maria sobs and Sam gets drowned in guilt and shame in front of his own daughter. And sometimes, if Sam brought “not enough” money home from her point of view, she would wake Maria up at night, dress her, and go with her to grandma, shouting all the while that she was going to divorce him, and leave him “without pants”, and that it’s his fault that she is unhappy and that little Maria has enuresis and a stutter, all because of him! Sam believed that this was truly the case. At a meeting with his psychologist, to whom he went without his wife knowing, he explained that he was a worthless father and husband, and asked to teach him how to avoid provoking domestic scandals so that Lana wouldn’t leave. If she leaves, she will not let him see his child, and this is by far the most important thing for him.
The victim always feels guilty in an abusive relationship. A guilt that is indoctrinated and purported, and ingrown like a fingernail causing pain.
There is always shame, because it’s impossible to tell others what is going on inside the family, because such a thing could “only happen” to the victim, because of their imperfection/stupidity, and so on.
The idea that everything is in the victim’s hands is constant, along with the thought that they’re really damn bad at handling things. The victim’s behavior determines other people’s behavior. Therefore, it’s not surprising that the only possible conclusion from all this is that the victim deserves to be treated this way. He or she deserves it. But, of course, she’ll try to make it right, seeing as you just have to try. And she’ll try, year after year, over and over again, and there will be no positive change.
