First thing you need to know is the following: There’s no good way to leave an abuser. Just forget this illusion.
By packing your stuff and leaving, the “victim” is depriving the tyrant of the possibility to control, the fact of “possession”, and the feeling of unlimited power, so they will never agree with this. As a result, you will always feel guilty. Do you want to know our opinion? You are alive and happy.
Here is a checklist to prepare for the transition to a new life.
1. Spread the straw.
- Leave some cash for the future in a safe place (send to your relatives, open a bank account or ask your friend to keep it). Start as soon as possible.
- Make copies of all documents and notarise them. Try to keep the original copies in a place where you can take them at any time.
- Think about safe options to leave in case of danger: you can go to your friends, relatives, and the crisis center.
- Find the addresses and phone numbers of crisis centers and police. Consult with the crisis center on your actions if possible.
2. Information security
- Copy all contacts onto a spare phone and to a new SIM card.
- Change passwords on personal pages, blogs, mailboxes, and online banking systems.
- Send all the data from your PC to the cloud or removable media, and keep it in the same place with your money, phone, and documents.
- After breaking up (strictly after) be sure to notify everyone that you have already left that person and explain why. In the majority of cases, sadists are afraid of publicity and shame.
3. Create a social corner
It is very important to create a piece of social life, which won’t be accessible to the abuser.
It can be hanging out at a small coffe shop, attending self-defense class, participating in a bowling league, joining a mother’s community, anything.
It is important to visit this or practice this activity regularly, to build relationships with people with whom you have a connection and common interests.
You shouldn’t be in a vacuum!
4. Find help and support: ask your relatives, friends, and a crisis center.
Choose trusted people carefully, and remember that relatives may not always be the best option.
Be ready that not all of them will support you. Some people will try to convince to come back “for the sake of kids”. They will even ask you the following question: “Are you sure that everything was that bad? Maybe you’re exaggerating, and he just cares about you?”
So try to feel the ground in advance: what is the attitude of supporting people to the tyrant, to the divorce… Do they trust you? At the time of the break, only address those who also believe that it’s not permissible to mock and treat people badly.
5. Mental attitude
Prepare for the fact that you will have the following thoughts: “what if he changes?” and “Maybe I should have given another chance…” and so on.
You will try to return to talk and restore everything. Avoid it no matter what. This is part of the process! EVERYONE GOES THROUGH THIS WITHOUT EXCEPTION!
You are full of ideas, which were taught to you by the tyrant for many months in a row.
Here’s a simple self-help option: write yourself a “spell”, those will be words, which you will repeat to yourself in the difficult moments of doubt.
- “I can do this.”
- “I can handle it.”
- “I want to be happy.”
- “I deserve a better life.”
- “I am the mistress of my destiny.”
Use metaphors, which are close to you: “What is outside is no longer inside”, “A flower can grow through the asphalt”, “The path is full of light!” The road is clear. It only takes strength to go on.
You need to give meaning to some simple actions.
Good luck! And remember the following: We believe in you!
