How to fight with yourself

To win a battle with yourself – is it a victory or a defeat? This is a trick question.

In our culture, the theme of “victory” over oneself is very popular. It is understood that a person must be engaged in a constant battle with the “bad” sides of their nature – laziness, imperfections, fears, anxiety, insecurity, etc. Who has not heard about internal battles? There is even an aphorism: “War with oneself is the greatest of wars, victory over oneself is the greatest of victories.”

But let’s think about it: what is war? The associative array includes battle, pain, blood, sacrifices, losses… Is this what you need to bring into your inner world? Isn’t it enough for us to fight the external difficulties?

And so, a person who is trying to conquer themselves begins a battle, from which, in fact, it is impossible to emerge victoriously. They choose the most severe and ruthless methods – after all, this is a war! And in war, all means are fair.

Katy is overweight. The battle with extra pounds takes place with maximum rigidity. The young woman denies herself everything for the sake of reaching a certain weight: no sweets, no fat, no tasty food(!), demotivating notes on the refrigerator, name-calling of herself (she uses the nickname Fatty-Katy on the weight loss forum). Obviously, she turned herself into an enemy who must be ruthlessly crushed.

Result: self-loathing, constant hunger, oscillating weight +- 16 pounds, depression, fixation on the topic of food.

Laura has the goal of ​​achieving excellence in being organized, composed, and efficient. Success is what matters! Everything that is outside the framework of this process is cold-bloodedly cut off and destroyed. She must: read only professional literature, run 6 miles every day (she hates running, does not get any pleasure from the process, but runs), strictly adhere to plans and schedules, which are in abundance, including on healthy eating, exercising to be beautiful, cosmetic procedures, improving her career. And most importantly – no deviations. Nothing outside achieving the goal is allowed: no joy, no rest. Otherwise, “you will never change – will always remain the slob that you are”.

Result: no joy in life, all achievements are taken for granted, depression, and complete emotional exhaustion.

Tabitha struggles with her imperfect appearance. You would not notice her imperfections – she is very good-looking. But she sees them. Here is her plan for the battle – changing the shape of her breasts, skin resurfacing, operation on her nose, losing weight. After that, Tabitha will become beautiful and happy and will be able to “start living”. She is sure of it. In the meantime, while she hasn’t won the fight with herself – it’s too early to “live” (go on dates, study, change the job that she hates, etc.). She’ll do it all later. After the victory.

The result: her life is put on hold indefinitely, she hates herself, and does not see anything besides work and home. She needs to earn money for all the planned “improvements”. There are no meetings with friends, no dates. She rejects everyone – she does not believe that someone may like her “like that”.

“I’m lazy,” says Bashir. – I can’t achieve anything at work, I can’t bring myself to do what I need to. I just want to lie on the couch and do nothing. How to win a battle with myself? ” Bashir’s parents insisted that he goes to a military academy – to continue the family dynasty. He barely managed to graduate. Every day in the army he is disengaged and can’t wait for the end of the working day. But he loves to draw… More precisely, he used to love … Because now, for some reason, he no longer wants anything…

The result is obvious.

Any fight implies an enemy – we do not fight with friends. It turns out that the enemy is within us, right? And we are gathering strength to strike. crush, and inflict damage … Those who are at war with themselves use the following phrases: “overcome yourself”, “force yourself”, “do not let yourself take it easy”, “stay focused”, “push for it”, “do not be a sissy”, “pull yourself together”, “strive for perfection “, “at any cost. “

But how can you win against yourself? How can you fill a bucket by pouring and scooping water out of it at the same time?

Many of us do not know how to take care of ourselves, have not learned this. But this skill is very valuable. Most of us will support a friend when they feel bad. But when it comes to supporting ourselves – many of us act like an evil stepmother from a fairy tale. What if you admit that there may be a real reason for all your internal “can’t”? And as soon as you deal with it – the problem will disappear altogether…

When we begin to disassemble this invisible inner enemy, sometimes it turns out that they are not huge and scary, but a little frightened girl, whom no one ever said that she was beautiful… Or a boy, for whom his whole life was invented by his parents, and he does not want to live this life. But instead of struggling with circumstances and external pressure, the boy struggles with his own “laziness” and apathy…

You don’t have to fight yourself. You should not wage battles on the field of your soul and body. Any war is too costly, no matter how small it is. Approach yourself with care: try to understand what is happening to you. And then help yourself to cope with it. Help, not win. By acting as an ally to yourself, you will achieve much more – without winners and losers.