«Friends are the family you choose.» And who do you consider your friend and your family?
Friends are ready to share our joys, support us when we’re having a hard time, and help us go through different stages of our life. But there are cases when, after being in touch with a person, you feel a lack of energy, inner discomfort and irritation. Or, on the contrary, you feel relieved when your plans with this person get canceled. Don’t be too quick to judge yourself and think that you are lazy or a bad friend, perhaps it’s about your friend being a toxic person. Let’s sort this out.
Signs of a toxic friendship:
1. Violation of boundaries. A toxic friend does everything their own way and in a way that is convenient for them. They don’t accept «no» as an answer, they invade your personal space and don’t respect your time: they can change plans at the last moment, break promises, and impose requests or complaints on you.
2. Lack of respect and acceptance. Your friend criticizes you, your partner, tells you how to raise your children, how to dress, what job to get, what to do. When in a company of mutual friends they point out your flaws or tell stories that put you (or another mutual friend) in a bad light.
3. Lack of support in difficult situations. A toxic friend ignores or devalues your feelings and problems. They rather comment on them with phrases like: «It’s nothing», «Stop worrying about it», «It’s not that serious» instead of being a good listener or helping to solve the problem.
4. Constant comparison and rivalry. Your friend doesn’t rejoice in your success, whether it’s a promotion at work or your wedding. They constantly compete with you, brag about something and try to prove to everyone that they are better than you. In a conversation, they often turn the subject to themself: «Well I…», «And I have…».
5. An imbalance in attention and energy exchange. A toxic friend asks for help, even if they know that it’s inconvenient for you. They demand support, they complain, whine, talk for hours about their problems, showing no interest in your life.
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6. Excessive dependence and control. This type of friend will get upset if you make plans that don’t include them. They get jealous and express dissatisfaction if you spend time with someone else. Or they impose on a company where they aren’t welcome.
7. Selfish interests. Toxic friends often show up when they need something. When they are having a hard time, they make sure to maintain contact, feeding on other people’s energy, and when things are starting to go good for them, they forget about their friends and don’t bother to keep in touch.
There are far more signs of a toxic friendship, and your body is a barometer that will surely indicate one. If another meeting with a toxic person leaves you feeling drained, anxious or guilty, then it’s time to take a break and think about the prospects of your relationship. Start by identifying your needs: what is acceptable behavior for you, and what is not? Think, what do you get (if you get anything) from this relationship? Is this relationship your own choice or does the other person choose it for you? Write down some specific actions and words of your friend that make you feel uncomfortable. Think what kind of relationships and communication you would like to have in a friendship.
Breaking up with toxic friends can be difficult, but are they really your true friends?
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