Separation is the process of a child separating from their parents, gaining autonomy and independence in their behavior, views and decisions.
Separation is a two-way process where the parents’ task is to let the child go, and the children’s task is to detach themselves from mom and dad.
Alas, very often this process breaks somewhere in the middle, or even at the very start. The reasons for this may vary, so today we will discuss three of them.
Family coalitions
These are situational, unstable, changing alliances among relatives. They are created to achieve a certain goal, and function based on the triangulation method (making triangles), when two unite against a third one, and the third one takes on the outsider position.
If the family thrived on such coalitions, a person finds it hard to be on the same side with others as an adult. As a rule, they replicate the pattern of “being friends against someone” in various relationships: at work, with a partner, with friends.
How do coalitions affect separation? It is difficult to separate from a person if you are fighting beside them against someone else. They seem to be your faithful ally, how can you stand without them? And then you think: And what about the other person, how are they going to do without me? Do I have the right to leave them? No, I don’t.
Family myths
A family myth is an idea that unites all family members and describes their way of interacting with each other.
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A myth answers the questions: “who are we?”, “what are we like?”, “how are we connected?”, “how do we communicate with each other?”
A myth is firmly entrenched in the family system, forcing everyone to play by its rules.
It often happens that myths become an obstacle to healthy separation and can be so deeply imprinted in your mind that they determine not only the child-parent relationship, but also other relationships, as well as your sense of self, self-identification and self-esteem.
Family scripts
Some families have their own strong beliefs, some invisible ties that suggest: “we always have it this way”. Sometimes the idea of a certain predestination is so strong that it seems to be ingrained in your genes and sounds like a slogan from a psychics and mediums reality show: a crown of celibacy, a family curse, the ancestral syndrome. “All women in our family suffer after 42, and all men die before 50.”
This is the so-called family script or, in terms of psychology, unconscious family replications. The child seeks to replicate the fate of his parents or closest relatives.
It is very difficult to disconnect from the family if you are bonded with mystical ties.
Family scripts make it difficult to separate not only from the parents, but also from their lifestyle that children also begin to follow.
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