Why do I notice criticism more than compliments?

We do not enjoy criticism. We can talk forever about the benefits of constructive critique (and agree with it in theory) but is it still not very pleasant to hear that you are not doing well, do not measure up, and that you need to try harder.

When someone says something pleasant, we are happy to hear that, of course. But often, kind words very quickly leave our heads, or we discount them.

“Yes, my boss praised me, but he doesn’t know that my colleague helped me with this report.” “My friend told me that this dress looks awesome on me, but she likes me – of course, she will praise me!” “I won a competition, but it was not very challenging.”

Critique is a different story. A critical comment firmly settles in your head and you can continue getting wounded at its sharp edges for a long time. People get stuck on criticism much more than on positive comments. Why is it like that? There may be several reasons.

● If a person grew up in a family in which they were often criticized, condemned, and their feelings were not taken into account – most likely, they will react painfully to any criticism, because this will remind them of a time when they had no rights nor opportunities to defend themselves…

Brenda always did everything “wrong”. If she made her bed, her mom would come up and straighten the bedspread. If she cooked, her mother would comment on what could have been done better if she had added garlic (onion, paprika, put more salt, less salt) – then it would have been much tastier. Hairstyle … According to her mother, Brenda’s hair was too short (long, unruly). Brenda would wash the floor in the wrong way, water the flowers in the wrong way, chose the “wrong university” and the “wrong” guy. When Brenda turned 18, she married right away just to leave her family. Fortunately, the marriage was successful. However, if adult Brenda hears even a minor, very delicate remark, she gets defensive or starts crying. And then she “gets stuck” on any phrase for a long time, looking for double and triple meanings in it. And she doesn’t really believe in praise. She thinks that praise is excessive and not justified.

● Deep down, a person considers themselves not very worthy of kind words. In this case, criticism hits the bull’s eye. The person may feel that something negative has been “learned” about them, that they have been “found out” – after all, they have a low opinion about themselves. And then criticism is painful…

Vanessa doesn’t like her appearance, especially her figure. Criticism of this aspect and even a simple remark that the trousers do not fit very well can incapacitate her for a long time – she falls into self-loathing and self-deprecation.

● A person is sure that only criticism helps to grow, that only “magic” kicks of criticism will bring goodness and happiness. And kind words are superfluous, they do not keep you on your toes.

Gregory treats himself very harshly. Any other treatment is for weaklings. He exhausts himself in the gym, scolds for any mistake or shortcoming, and even deprives himself of pleasurable activities if he does not achieve his goals. Any praise rather annoys him, because, from his point of view, it is useless. But a whip – yes, this is more like it.

● A person’s self-image is very fragile. It is easy to “break” it with a simple critical comment that the person takes at faith without any reality check.

Tallulah considers herself a good housekeeper, but when her mother-in-law comes and shakes her head at the “imperfectly” cleaned stove or a heap of non-ironed linen, Tallulah “crumbles” and forgets everything that she has already done and what she thought about herself 5 minutes ago.

If you know why you are reacting strongly to criticism, you can do something about it. Another important point is that you need to “shift the focus” – direct your attention more to all the goods things that they tell you and you know about yourself.

On your phone, create a folder “For Inspiration”. Collect in this folder kind words and comments from your colleagues and friends, warm congratulations, everything that proves your awesomeness. In the moments when criticism draws you into a pool of negative attitudes towards yourself, look there – to breathe faith into yourself. It helps – we tried it.