Competition is a powerful force. On the one hand, it can really support the relationship (“I will not give you to anyone else”), but on the other – it can simply drain you, leaving you with no energy.
Often, when we encounter real or imaginary infidelity of our partner, we literally get fixated on the “other” person. Many people talk about how they spend a lot of time studying profiles of their “rivals” on social media. How they try to learn about “this bitch’s” or “this jerk’s” life as much as possible. How they fantasize about (and sometimes even seek) revenge.
Why does it happen? Why does the persona of this not-the-most-pleasant for you individual becomes so significant?
1. Desire to restore justice.
Deep inside, we are almost sure that the Universe is fair. Therefore, if something bad happens to us, we must have deserved it. And if the person we love chooses someone else, it means that there is a reason for it – something is wrong with us.
In order to restore the situation and to climb on the pedestal again, we need to devalue the “other” person, at any cost.
Does it solve the problem? No.
Therefore, ideally, you should give up the fantasy that this world is fair. It is not so. It is unfair, and we have seen it a million times.
2. Shifting responsibility away from your partner.
They cheated not because they wanted to, but because they were fooled, trapped, tricked, etc. They don’t want to be with you not because they no longer like you, but because the “other one” is keeping them away from you, destroying your happiness. Etc.
In such situations, instead of analyzing the real reasons for cheating and experiencing negative feelings towards the person who let you down, you start an impromptu military campaign against a complete stranger.
To some extent, it kind of works. You have an outlet for your negative emotions, you ignore the facts, and you don’t have to make tough decisions.
But obviously, this is a diversion. No matter how much you look in the other direction, you are not solving the underlying problem.
3. Repeated trauma
At first, we compete with our father for our mother’s attention. Then with our mother for our father’s attention. And if we have brothers or sisters, then competition is simply non-stop. If we were successful at going through these phases, then everything is OK. We dealt with our childhood competitiveness and moved on. But if something went wrong during these stages, then some parts of our emotional world got stuck in the past. In this case, competitiveness in adult relationships can play evil tricks on us. The experience of rejection is painful as it is. But if it is super-imposed on our childhood wounds, then our pain gets distorted and magnified.
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You are not sure where to begin?
Here, it is very important to notice where is today’s situation and where our old trauma gets triggered. As a rule, it is impossible to figure out on your own: you need help from a psychologist.
There are two good psychological techniques that help to deal with the destructive competitiveness.
Competition
Take two sheets of paper.
On the first one, write down: “If I win and my partner will stay with me, it would mean that I am … what?”
The more answers you write down the better.
On the second sheet answer the question: “If I lose, and my partner leaves me, it would mean that I am … what?”
For example, if my partner leaves me for this woman, it would mean that I am already old, that I am not attractive, that I am stupid, fat, etc.
As a result, you will get a list of the areas of your self-esteem, where you have gaps. It would be nice to work on them. If you save some of the energy that you are spending on the war with “HER” or with “HIM” and focus it on repairing your self-esteem, the result will be more enjoyable.
Duty
Step one.
Write down the list of your charges against the third party.
For example, you’ve been sleeping with my husband behind my back. Or: you hit on my girlfriend when I was away on a business trip.
Step two.
Against each charge write down your expectations – addressing the third party.
For example, I was expecting that you would not sleep with him. Or: I was expecting that you would value my relationship with my girlfriend and would not hit on her.
Read this list very carefully. To whom these charges are really addressed?
Important! This technique only works if you and the third party do not know each other and don’t have any relationship. If the husband was cheating with the wife’s friend or the wife slept with the husband’s brother – then the charges will be rightfully directed at the third party.
