This triangle is just as famous as the Bermuda triangle. They even have something in common: they pull people in, and it is difficult to escape. Nobody knows where the exit is.
Only the Karpman triangle is not a geographical location. It is a destructive closed model of dependent relationships where people play these three roles: a victim, a rescuer, and a persecutor. These roles are not static. Every participant of the interaction unconsciously “shifts” from one role to another, thus maintaining this destructive cycle.
Anthony works a lot and spends little time at home. When he returns late in the evenings, he sees that his son Kyle is playing video games or glued to his mobile phone. And Page, his wife, is watching Desperate Housewives. Anthony gets angry because his apartment looks messy, the dinner is cold, and his son is wasting time. He starts yelling – he wants Kyle to be busy with homework, and Page should be doing household chores.
Then Anthony (the persecutor) starts interrogating Kyle (how are his grades – why a B and not an A? Why is he glued to his phone all the time?).
Page (the rescuer) begins to defend Kyle – Anthony’s accusations are so unfair! Kyle finished his homework in the afternoon. But the father should be spending more time with his son! (She is turning into the persecutor). It is because of his stupid work that Anthony is never at home! And he must be having an affair – since his family does not see him at all!
Then Page (the victim) starts crying. She says that she should not have married Anthony. Her mom was right – all men are the same. She, Page, devoted all her life to him – and what does she get in return?
The parents start fighting. Kyle is very upset, thinking that this all happened because of him (the victim). Then he gets his math textbook out and tries to placate his fighting parents (the rescuer).
Many people can participate in the triangle: two, three, or even the whole family.
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Ally was a very good mother. She was certain of that. But her son was not the best – what can you do? She will have to bear her cross…
Victor was 34 years old. He lived with his mom and was regularly drunk. He was not appreciated at work. Women were not attracted to him. He had many reasons to drink (the victim).
Ally (the rescuer) would observe that her son is drunk and start trying to prevent his drinking binge – buying medicine and calling a narcologist, in case everything would turn to the worst.
Victor (the persecutor) would start blaming his mom for all his problems. It was her who divorced his father. He grew up without a male role model and support. She does not understand how hard his life is. And in general, she could have sold her house and bought two separate apartments – one for him and one for her…
Ally (the victim) usually starts crying in such situations: “I sacrificed everything for you! I didn’t even get remarried! How can you say things like this?” Then she would call her friend and start complaining about her “looser” son and her wasted life.
After some time, Ally (the persecutor) would recharge and attack and threaten Victor: “I will disinherit you! You will get nothing when I am gone! I will kick you out of my house – until you stop drinking!”
By that time, Victor would get sober and feel ashamed. His mom is trying so hard… How can he help her? In a gloomy mood, Victor (the rescuer) would start fixing things around the house (oil the squeaking door, hang a new shelf in the bathroom) and buy his mom a new orchid – she loves house plants…
The Karpman drama triangle is built on codependency and does not allow its participants to live freely. They should leave the triangle. But to leave this swamp, one should first realize that they are in it. Try to analyze if you may have such a triangle in your life. This is the first important step towards change.
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