I’m cheating. What should I do?

When we discuss cheating, we usually divide the world in two: the cheaters and the victims. It’s almost like Star Wars – the dark side and the light side. In fact, most disputes and advice revolve around how one can survive being cheated on, and what to do to ensure that it won’t happen again.

What should you do if you’re the one cheating? 

Let’s see where everything started and see if your situation might have another solution.

Missing Puzzle Piece

Your relationship is going great. Almost. This “almost” was your reason for cheating. You were always missing one little detail. For example, she’s smart, she’s beautiful, she’s an excellent housewife, but in bed things are quiet and sad. Or, he’s erudite, cheerful, good around the house, but doesn’t know what the words love and admiration mean at all. In both cases, breaking up because of some mild discomfort with such an amazing person is stupid, so that’s how you made your choice of getting that “missing puzzle piece” on the side.

What can we do differently? Honestly, and without embarrassment, discuss with your partner, what exactly is so lacking in your relationship, to try to develop a plan together that’ll transform the problem area of the relationship.

His Majesty – Adrenaline

You’re lacking it! Perhaps your childhood and youth weren’t so peaceful, something had to happen all the time, and you always moved somewhere. Family dramas played out before your eyes, and so on. As a result, the “gunpowder barrel” lifestyle became the norm for you. And in your relationship everything is peaceful, calm, and cozy, so where do you get your adrenaline from? You find a way. Cheating can be a great “cure”: here, you and the fear of exposure, secret dating, keeping an alibi – all completely satisfy your “hot” hormone.

What can we do differently? First of all, admit to yourself that you need all these “Shakespearean passions” in order to constantly get those highs. And then you have two ways: you can find other activities for that dose of adrenaline (racing, parachuting, extreme sports, hunting), but all of them will be associated with a risk to life. The other way is to ask for help from specialists (psychologists, psychotherapists) to find the source of your problem and learn to live in peace and quiet.

We’ll talk later 

Of course, you can always put off talking about important things for later, bottle up your resentment, suppress your anger, and then, suddenly, get your emotional release on the side. By cheating, you seek understanding from another person, or banal revenge for your partner’s “wrong” behavior, for the fact that your relationship expectations have not been met.

What can we do differently? The more you share your feelings, thoughts, and hopes with each other, find compromises and overcome difficulties together, the stronger and longer-lasting your relationship will be. Your partner may not notice your “secret signs”, and certainly can’t read your mind. Do not be silent; do not put off talking about your experiences, suspicions, and concerns for later! A problem voiced is a problem half solved.

It won’t be enough

The first, the most important sources of love for a child are their parents. But perhaps, in your case, something went wrong and you did not get the right amount of warmth and affection. Your parents were emotionally cold or just very busy people, and now you look forward to every person you meet proving the love you once lacked.

Of course, your partner loves you, but alas, this is not enough for you and you’re looking for something else to source this strong feeling. The lack of love was once too much, and now you need too much to reinforce your value and appreciation from others.

What can we do differently? Childhood is long gone, you’re an adult and it’s time to stop justifying your actions with the past. Learn to love yourself, without support in the form of romances on the side. Listen to your feelings and desires, take care of yourself, increase your self-esteem, and you can make up for the lack of love for yourself without resorting to questionable sources.

The closer, the scarier

In this case, it’s the opposite – you’re afraid of close and deep relationships like you’re afraid of fire. The more connections you have, the more superficial and safe they are for your mental balance. This fear of emotional intimacy pushes you into fleeting pastimes where there is no room for strong feelings.

What can we do differently? You’ll probably need help from a specialist, because working with the fear of intimacy requires special skills. You need to understand where this fear came from, what events can increase it, and how to gradually and painlessly get out of this state.

Maybe your story about cheating is different. However, if, after all, it’s hard and uncomfortable for you to be on the “dark side”, then you shouldn’t ignore this inner conflict. It is important to understand the true causes, without shifting the responsibility for your behavior on another person.

Cheating is a topic, which in society, just like death, it is customary to whisper about. This word is usually negative, judgmental, but we want to talk about this phenomenon without any judgment. If you are cheating on your partner now, but this fact does not suit you and causes tension, let’s look at the reasons and think about what can be done.

1. Cheating as a means to escape from conflict. There are times of crisis in every relationship, and in every relationship partners usually discuss their problems, look for compromises, solutions, share feelings, etc., so that their union can continue to exist, and maybe even take it to a new level. Nevertheless, if a person does not have the skill of good communication and these emotional moments are frightening, then to relieve the tension and get away from the problems they can find someone else. It often happens that cheating is a kind of protest, when there is a lot of internal anger that a person doesn’t express, and thus, acts as if they’re taking revenge out on the partner.

What to do: admit that there are problems in the couple. Learn to solve them together, without involving a third party. Don’t be afraid to talk about feelings and desires, especially to talk about your anger.

2. Cheating is like saving a marriage. If a partner doesn’t get something in the relationship, but doesn’t want to “save” the marriage, they can begin to “top up” from the outside. For example, a man is somewhat comfortable with his wife, he gets support, and the time spent together is interesting, but the sex is very boring. This is too small to be getting a divorce over, so again, a third person appears, from whom sexual needs are satisfied, leaving this man to come home satisfied.

What to do: if, after all, the idea of cheating and a third person doesn’t suit you, then it is important to discuss with your partner those areas that haven’t been doing so well, and think about how to change it. In the worst case, if no solutions are found, look for a partner with whom you will connect on all fronts.

3. Cheating as an escape from intimacy. If a person has a fear of intimacy, then having a relationship with two, three or more partners lessens the chance to build an emotionally close relationship.

What to do: work with the fear of intimacy. Find out where it came from (usually a childhood story). Form your own image of love and intimacy. Take a risk;)

4. Cheating as a result of a lack of love. If a person doesn’t meet their emotional needs from a partner, and they round themselves up a whole harem, this often indicates a lack of love that stems from childhood. When two parents (or one parent) were emotionally cold companions, often rejected the child, and therefore did not satisfy the child’s basic need for love and acceptance, this child may grow up looking for this parental love in everyone it meets, and one partner definitely won’t satisfy them.

What to do: learn to love yourself. Ideally, parental love should have been integrated into the child and become a part of the child’s own attitude towards itself. If this did not happen, it needs to be made up for as an adult. Not through others (because it’ll never be enough), but on your own. And when the most important romance finally takes root – the affair with yourself – then you need only one person for your relationships.

5. Cheating as a result of adrenaline addiction. If a child’s childhood was a stressful case, accompanied by eternal drama in the family in an unsafe living environment, the now adult could have developed an adrenaline addiction that they would normally try to repeat and play back, because that is what they are used to. Cheating is emotionally charged: you always have to be alert (what if you’re caught?), think of new plays, and so on. It constantly provokes an adrenaline release, which is necessary to the addict.

What to do: admit that this is your way of chasing more doses of adrenaline… you’re going after more drama. In fact, this is a serious enough problem that it’s better here to resort to psychotherapy to discover a new and amazing world of security in relationships and life in general.

We have outlined the most common reasons for cheating. Sometimes, it’s the result of a crack in the relationship, and sometimes it is due to the personal characteristics of a partner. If you don’t like the fact that you’re cheating and you want to correct the situation, then you have to take the long path of internal change.  But as practice has shown, it’s worth it;)