Today in our “Dear Therapist” column we will talk about the fear of relationships.
“Hello! I have a problem with relationships with men”.
Hello! I will reply to your letter paragraph by paragraph. And I want to start by making this optimistic forecast: any problem has a solution.
“I am 24 years old and have had almost no relationships with men. At first, everything starts well – I feel calm. But as soon as we need to move to some important stage of the relationship, I start feeling nervous and pull away. I have a fear that my guy will be disappointed in me when he gets to know me better, that he will leave or betray me.”
At this point, if I were talking to you in person, I would ask many clarifying questions. You can try answering them on your own, it will be helpful.
- What kind of stage are you talking about? Where do you need to move the relationship?
- Why is this stage so important? What makes it important and why do you feel so much tension in connection with this stage?
- “I start feeling nervous” – how do you express this in your thoughts? What feelings do you experience about these thoughts? What do you do under the influence of these feelings and thoughts?
- What specifically are you starting to hide from your man? It seems that your assumption is like this: he will learn or understand something about me, and this will make him to cheat on me or to leave me. It is important to identify what is this information and why you are so sure that people will run in horror if they learn it.
“And this is how I put breaks on my relationships. They last about 2 months.”
What exactly do you do? It is important to note that to better understand the situation.
And what do you want to do? It is important to note that to better understand where you need to go.
“At the same time, I would like to have relationships and to be close to someone. But at some point, I feel overwhelmed by fear and anxiety, and it prevents me from developing the relationship.”
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You are not sure where to begin?
Yes, no doubt, your problem is the fear of relationships. And I understand how difficult it is for you. I really understand you. It is as if you have two parts: one needs love, acceptance, to be with someone, and the other one – pulls her back as if trying to tell her “Where are you going?! This is not for you!”
And again, if I were talking to you in person, I would ask this other fearful part the following questions: “But why? Why being close with someone not for her? How do you know that? What is your confidence based on? What arguments do you have? What facts?”
“I also want to point out that it is possible that I am wary and fearful of men as if I expect them to treat me badly. If we look at my childhood – I grew up without a father. There were frequent scandals in my family. It wasn’t a safe environment.”
Yes, this is possible. For now, I heard that you have a thought “I am unlovable. If he gets to know me, he will start doing who-knows-what.” This points to a general belief (possibly coming from your family) that “you are unworthy of love”.
“Lately, I started feeling as if I am an unhealthy person since I don’t have a relationship.”
You are a healthy person. Of course, I have not seen you, but your writing style is more than adequate. Besides, you have a high level of self-awareness. As far as I can tell, you have already done a lot of work on yourself and you have uncovered important things. Would an unhealthy person be able to do this? Definitely not.
I would not want you to label yourself in such a strict manner.
Fear of relationships is a common problem. Unfortunately. Many people carry this baggage from childhood, but they need to deal with it when they are already grown up. You are not unique in this sense. And what is most important is that this is a solvable problem.
“Please tell me what should I do in this situation? I don’t want to be afraid of relationships nor to consider myself “abnormal” because I don’t have one. Thank you!”
Let me first address the second part of your request. Having or not having a relationship is not a criterion for being normal. A person with temporary difficulties in the field of relationships is not abnormal. I declare this with authority as a specialist: you are normal.
To stop being fearful it is important to understand when and how this fear was formed. What kind of beliefs are behind this fear? You need to work on these beliefs.
The best route is to see a specialist, a psychologist. You need to attend a few sessions. In your case, it will give you the best and quickest outcome. For example, CBT would be an ideal approach in this case.
If you don’t have such an opportunity, you can take our courses “Anti Loneliness”, “Counter Dependency”, or “Brainwashing”. They will help you.
Take care of yourself.
