How to communicate with a masochist

Usually, people think that masochists are miserable and helpless people, who are constantly suffering and hurting. But in reality, these seemingly harmless martyrs are quite capable of skillful manipulation. 

Let’s begin by defining masochistic personal traits.

✓ Masochists are always tormented. 

They suffer a lot; they drown in sorrow. They neglect themselves for the sake of others, tolerate horrible treatment from other people, and are always trying to please. 

✓ Masochists think that suffering and self-neglect is a normal way of life. 

Caring about oneself seems to them egotistical, and egoism – is a deadly sin. Their worldview is as follows: I take care of you and you take care of me – this is how we will survive. According to masochists, a person should not be taking care of themselves. Therefore, even if something wrong and horrible is happening to them, they are simply waiting for someone else to step in and save them.

You can often hear from them such phrases: “our Lord suffered, and so should we”, “you will have to pay for everything”, “most importantly, you should love others and accept them as they are” – all of this in the context of suffering.

✓ Passive aggression

Masochists mastered passive aggression. They almost never show open aggression. Instead, they punish their “offenders” with silence, demonstrative suffering, refusal to discuss problems, and so on.

The goal of this passive aggression to make the person feel guilty.

✓ Unending caring. 

One that makes you want to escape.

Masochists sincerely believe that they know what others need. When they are doing something for us, they never wonder whether we need it. They know better. But if you try to decline their help, you immediately run into a terrible resentment, and lamentations about “you do not appreciate me”, “I cannot please you with anything”, “nobody needs me”.

✓ Irritation.

This is an important signal. If you feel some inexplicable annoyance when you are communicating with a person, while they are not doing anything bad, quite possible that they are a masochist.

✓ Refusal to make decisions.

Masochists categorically don’t want to solve their problems. If you try to suggest some solution, in return you will hear “yes, but” in the best-case scenario, or “you are just trying to get rid of me” in the worst-case.

How to communicate with masochists?

• Do not try to save them. 

You can love them, care about them, but never take responsibility for their happiness. This is exactly what masochists are looking for.  If you put responsibility for them on your own shoulders, you are only making it worse, by feeding their toxic side.

• Care about them without manipulations.

Give care and attention when your significant masochist is not trying to get them by using various distorted methods.

• Encourage them when they take care of themselves.

Praise them every time they satisfy their own needs.

• Admonish masochists when they don’t take care of themselves.

Under no circumstances do not encourage self-sacrifice. Tell them that it is bad, one is not supposed to act like this. Tell them that you want to see your significant person happy, not miserable.

• Enforce your own boundaries.

Push back when you experience passive aggression and do not succumb to various “guilt trips”. The person doesn’t want to explain what’s wrong and is just sulking silently? Ok, tell them that you will be happy to discuss their discontent when they are ready. THAT’S ALL. No jumping around!