Oh, how many times we have heard during childhood about the “sin” of egoism! You took the last piece from the plate – you are selfish! You refused to help, no matter what’s the reason – egoist! And who has not heard these “wonderful” phrases that people say with disapproval or maybe even with disdain: “There is no I in the team!”, “Who do you think you are? The center of the universe?”, “First, you need to care about others, and then about yourself!”.
A sense of duty was instilled in us on such a huge scale that it was too big for one person – we owed something to our elders, parents, children, humanity, and the country. It was especially encouraged to “give everything for the sake of” others, to sacrifice oneself, one’s health, time, needs, and desires. Then you are a good person and deserve praise – if your sacrifice is noticed, of course. Everything that had to do with yourself was labeled as selfish and condemned in every possible way.
And we have grown up with a permanent feeling of guilt and even shame. You sense it stirring every time you dare to think about yourself, fulfill your wish, or prioritize your needs in any situation. Many of us are trying out the idea of “healthy egoism”. It would be good to figure out what it is. Maybe caring about yourself is not such a huge crime?
Healthy egoism has nothing to do with being selfish, thinking of yourself as the “center of the universe”, or being egocentric. In essence, it is when a person takes their interests into account and at the same time doesn’t violate other people’s interests.
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Healthy egoism is the basis for everything, including one’s psychological health and strong relationships. It is much more pleasant and easier to build relationships with a person who cares about themselves rather than with someone who disregards their needs “for the sake of” their partner, children, world’s peace, etc.
How does it work? The schema is pretty simple. If we don’t know how to take care of ourselves, how can we do it for others? If our desires and needs do not matter – we become empty, unfilled, and subconsciously expect that someone else will take care of our psychological comfort. The logic works a follows: “If I sacrifice everything for others, someone owes it to me, right? Such is the twisted logic of sacrifice, which leads to the classic: “I do everything for him/her, and he/she…”.
If egoism is unhealthy, then there are no “others” at all – there are only me and my interests. Period.
Here is the checklist for how to distinguish healthy egoism from an unhealthy one.
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