Gaslighting. What to do?

After we’ve considered gaslighting as a phenomenon and learned to identify its signs, it’s time to learn how to counter it, because our main task is to maintain (or regain) our autonomy, independence, our right to feelings, and make the space in which we are psychologically safe.

So, how can you resist gaslighting, oppose it? It’s better to do that in stages, affirming your position each time. It’s like the birth of a child – it doesn’t happen as a result of merely wanting it and him just showing up right after – time and certain stages from conception to gestation must pass. Here, it’s the same: you felt that something was wrong, or even already understood that for sure – otherwise, you wouldn’t be reading this article. Now, we paint the next path.

Once again, we’ll remind you of the most important thing: if there’s physical violence – they beat, push, kick you – there are no other ways than to “leave”. 

It’s impossible to build any strategies at the risk of getting punched. This is very real. The whole future path is only for those options when there’s only gaslighting and nothing more.

1. Separate yourself mentally, and physically if possible, from the aggressor.

Well, the “physically” bit is clear – leave, give yourself time to recover without an intrusive invasion of your space, because it will be spelled out to you again and again what nonsense you’re doing. However, if this is impossible, you can try to at least separate yourself “mentally”. This can be done if you “discover” these two realities (the real one and the one that is created specifically for you). How to do this: you see one thing, and they say something else to you. Stop before experiencing the usual guilt, getting upset and / or apologizing. Try to find the FACTS in each of these realities, you can do that in writing by literally lining the sheet of paper into two columns. What is in favor of his / her version? And what is in favor of your senses and sensations?

This will help separate from the aggressor at the mental level, and this is a very important stage, because it’s our thoughts that trigger our emotions and behavioral patterns.

2. To find an emotional and assessing component in the reality created by the gaslighter – such a thing always exists.

How the statement looks to a gaslighter: human actions = characteristics of the person himself. For example, you’re doing something wrong = you’re bad, you’ve something stupid = you’re stupid. Not only is the “wrongness” or inadequacy of your actions in principle in question, doing something wrong and being “wrong” are completely different aspects, and are not at all equal. That is why it’s so important to separate the aggressor’s assessment from the actual fact in his message.

3. Find people who’d defend your view of the situation.

Enlisting support is very important. If relatives and friends urge you to “take a look in the mirror,” and your mother says that “if he hits you it means he loves you” or “you need to obey, love and respect the husband you have, lay at his feet so that he doesn’t leave you.” If we add various media personalities confidently broadcasting from the screens that bruises and black eyes can be “deserved”, then it becomes especially difficult to believe otherwise.

4. Find and identify the fields where the aggressor’s opinion is pivotal or carries a lot of weight.

The aggressors try to take up as much space as possible, time; to limit the areas in which the victim would be able to feel self-sufficient and, God forbid, independent, and also to prevent anyone else from influencing her.

That’s why it’s worth exploring the zones of influence according to the principle: a) whether this is true; b) whether it’s possible to win back part of the influence; c) how to compensate for this influence; d) find the areas the gaslighter won’t be able to access.

5. “Come unglued” from the aggressor’s opinion at the emotional level.

We’ve learned to do that at the mental level in sections one and two, and the next step is to separate yourself emotionally.

Here, we should remember the famous Stockholm syndrome. Generally, it’s an alternative name for the psychological defense of “identifying with the aggressor”.

This is how it happens: in order to manage the huge stress, the fear, the disdain, the frustration, the victim begins to penetrate the aggressor with understanding, sympathy, down to a complete emotional merger with him. Because of this, the victim begins to feel pity for him, to justify and even blame herself, others, and to think that others are guilty of the fact that the aggressor became who he is. Stockholm syndrome affects not only hostages, but also victims of domestic violence.

Stockholm syndrome isn’t a psychological disorder, but a defensive reaction. To separate yourself emotionally, you have to:

• recognize that the relationship is occurring within the aggressor-victim paradigm;
• convince yourself step-by-step of how illogical the aggressor’s actions and behavior are (it’s important to find emotionally colored statements, assessments behind the aggressor’s pseudology  – he judges what is good and bad, what is right and what is not);
• stop excusing psychological violence with hard childhood, “complex” personality, bad mood, etc.;
• drop the illusions that this’ll all stop “and be sorted out”, and he’ll understand that he was being unfair.

If the case is “neglected”, this stage is difficult to get through without the help of a specialist, since our defensive reactions are quite inventive and it’s not easy to “get around” this system.

6. Improve your self-esteem.

This subject is too broad to be described in a single paragraph of the article. We recommend taking our “Self-esteem” course in order to build relationships with ourselves and the rest of the world.

Don’t let yourself be “gaslit” methodically, step-by-step. After all, wouldn’t you protect a loved one if they were subjected to something like this? And you have to find a way to care about yourself the same way.

7. Analyze what’s stopping you from changing everything.

Consider all the restraining factors – what are you afraid of, what’s frightening to lose, what are the fears in general. And be sure to examine them “under the microscope” – is it really that scary? Are there really no other options? What are the alternatives?

Mary is afraid that if she leaves her Alex, no one will ever love her. Alex has done a great job, inspiring her thoughts like “Who’d want you except me,” “I’m your only chance to have a baby” and “only I can make you happy.”

Serge is afraid to quit, even though his gaslighting boss has turned him into a “whipping boy”, and a seriously cool specialist has nearly lost all the confidence in himself and believes that he’d never find a job like that again.

Victoria is afraid that if she moves away from her mother, who guilt-trips her into living in her parents’ apartment  (“I’ll die without you, who’s gonna give me a pill or call an ambulance”), she’ll become a bad daughter. But she doesn’t notice that her mother is living her and Victoria’s lives just fine, without letting her 34-year-old daughter date men, meet up with friends, and in general have nothing of her own but her duty to take care of her mother.

It makes sense to consider the so-called “secondary benefits” that keep you in this relationship. 

Karina, for example, is afraid to start searching for work and generally for herself. By staying with her husband, who fully provides for her, but doesn’t hesitate to be a proper tyrant, she doesn’t have to go through the stages of independence that frighten her.

That’s the way the “cookie” crumbles, guys. Like that song goes: “think for yourself, decide for yourself”, there are alternatives, you just need to look for them. Will it be easy? No. But is everything really great now?