6 steps to overcome shyness 

Shyness is one of the main obstacles in establishing social contacts. Luckily, you can significantly reduce its effect on your life.

To begin with, let’s figure out where your shyness comes from. Understanding the reason is the first step towards the solution. 

The main reasons for shyness (as well as timidity and restraint):

1. Low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence.

2. Fear of being judged, criticized and compared with others.

3. Fear of making a mistake and saying something stupid in a conversation.

4. Negative or traumatic events from the past related to communication: school bullying, betrayal of a friend, lack of company.

5. Attitudes and beliefs, as well as stereotypes related to appearance, gender, and social status.

What can help you overcome your shyness?

Step 1. Start solving the problem by building on your self-esteem. Write out your strengths, skills, achievements and qualities that you particularly value, and use them as positive self-affirmations. For example:

— I have a great sense of humor.

— I’m a good listener. 

— I’m a responsible employee and I was promoted twice in these six months.

— I’m good at household chores.

— I’ve climbed the Everest.

— I know how to be a good friend and I always remember important dates.

— I passed my driver’s test on the first try and I’m an excellent driver.

— I always follow my day plan and I am proud of it.

— I know how to take care of myself and I go for a massage every week.

— I know a lot about art, people often come to me for a consultation.

— I’m an honest person.

— I make amazing cheesecake!

Step 2. Try to find something positive in your flaws. Reformulate them and instead of calling yourself meticulous, you can say for example: 

— I am attentive to details.

— It’s hard to mislead me.

— I have good critical thinking.

Step 3. Activate visualization. Use your imagination and imagine yourself in various situations related to making new contacts. You are smiling, your body is relaxed, your movements are natural, your gestures are confident, your speech is clear. Visualize yourself easily starting a conversation, asking interesting questions and listening very attentively.

Step 4. Use the mirror technique. Watch the people you like. You like the way they interact with others, behave in a conversation or during public speeches. Take note of their speaking manner, as well as their posture, facial expressions and gestures. Try using their techniques when you practice.

Step 5. Relieve tension in your body. Before you start a conversation, take a few deep breaths. Breathe slowly, focusing on your breathing. This is the easiest way to return to your self and tune in to the right wave.

Step 6. Take action. Set small goals and gradually increase their difficulty.

Goal #1: develop your communication skills by practicing communication with family and friends. 

Suggest acting out several different situations. For example, you need to ask for help from a stranger: a) ask for directions; b) ask for help carrying heavy things to the house/car. Improvise, imagine that you really are in a difficult situation and need help. Simulate conversations as if you are in different locations: on a bus, in a store, at a party.

Goal #2: start a conversation with a stranger in an environment you find comfortable.

For example, on an online forum or on social networks. You can say hello, ask a question, express your opinion or share your experience:

— Good afternoon! Can anyone tell me please, what time is the next speaker up?

— Hi! I saw your post with a geotag in Houston, can I ask you a few questions? I’m planning a trip there for a few days.

— Hello everyone, I’m Vikky! This is my first time participating in a webinar and I’m a little shy. I’m here to…

Goal #3: say hello and ask a question from a stranger in real life (at an event, in a cafe, at the gym, at a fitting room, etc.):

— Hello! I’m sorry to bother you, could you tell me how to turn on this machine?

— Oh, this dress looks gorgeous on you! Can you tell me where you took it? I think it’s what I was looking for…

— Hi, my name’s Jil. I haven’t used the subway for ages. How can I pay for a trip?

Goal #4: start a conversation with a new person in real life, who you would like to know better. That is, make an acquaintance. For example, start by saying:

— Good afternoon! There are so many delicious things on the menu. Have you been here before, could you recommend something?

— Hello! Is this seat taken?

Goal #5: Maintain a dialogue with a new person on a specific subject using various communication techniques. Here are some of them:

○ Open questions:

— What do you like doing in your free time? How do you spend your weekends?

— Do you have your favorite movies or TV series? Can you recommend something interesting?

— Tell me about your work, what do you mainly do?

○ Active listening:

— I wonder how you started doing this? What made you want to do this?

— I’m also a fan of Game of Thrones. Which episode did you like most?

— I am also concerned about ageism. What do you usually say to people who comment on somebody’s age?

○ Confirmation and empathy:

— A vacation on the coast — that must be great!

— I know, I also had a similar situation at work.

— I totally agree, the stress level is off the scale these days.

○ Common interests:

— I am also into photography. I recently made a photo shoot in the mountains, and it was amazing. And where would you like to shoot?

— I’m also getting ready for the marathon. I won’t be able to complete it this time, but I plan to do 13 miles in 2 hours. And what is your personal record at this distance?

○ Future plans:

— Do you want maybe to go to the photo exhibition that is up at the gallery at the moment? I would be fascinated to see new works and discuss them with someone who knows about this.

— I’m planning to do a workout in the park tomorrow. Do you want to join?

Overcoming shyness is a gradual process that requires practice and some perseverance. It may seem hard at first: believe in yourself and regard every situation as an opportunity for growth and self-development.