I can’t accept it

Not everything in our lives goes the way we want it. Or we can even say that often things go the way we really do not want. However, accepting reality is one of the most important prerequisites for enjoying life.

There is a well-known rule for being unhappy: “Not valuing what you have and valuing what you do not have.” If you use this rule, we are guaranteed to be disappointed in life. But our goal is right the opposite, isn’t it?

So, what does the phrase “I can’t accept” imply? What does it mean in general – “to accept”?

If something doesn’t go the way we want, the first emotion we feel is usually annoyance. How could this be? We planned everything! Anger and anxiety may follow. You can be angry at the circumstances, at yourself, at the weather, at your husband, at your child, etc. And you can worry – what is going to happen now? It seems that everything is going haywire!

You were going to have a BBQ with your friends – and suddenly it started raining. You must cancel your plans.

You decide to make an awesome dinner. For example, beef in plum sauce. You announce your plans to your family and buy meat. You go to the farmer’s market to buy plums and… they do not sell them there.

You have been saving money to buy a beautiful dress for a long time. Finally! You have the needed sum! You go to the store – and the dress is sold out.

Tomorrow is Saturday – your day off! You have been waiting for it for a whole week – counting days since Tuesday. On Friday night, your boss tells you that you must be in the office tomorrow.

You see yourself getting married to a person, but he is suggesting remaining “just friends”. 

The more we resist reality the more resources we spend on something we cannot change. What is resistance? Very simple – it is when you are choosing to “suffer” instead of to “accept”.

This is the instruction on how to “suffer” because things did not go your way:

○ To be upset for a long time because everything is not going according to the plan. Cry. Stare out the window with an absent gaze. Look at your husband/wife with reproach. Refuse any other option offered by others because it doesn’t matter – “it is not the same thing …”. Go about your life in a gloomy mood: “why bother now?”.

○ Complain about the injustice of life.

○ Theatrically exclaim “It’s always like this with me!” and “Why me again?”.

○ To spin long thoughts in your mind and out loud – for example, “If I didn’t eat ice cream the day before yesterday, I wouldn’t get sick, and I could go to the theater!” or “If you always did things in advance, you would have read the forums and got tickets earlier, as I told you. We would be in a different hotel now!”

○ Trying to figure out how it could have happened: “How is it, that you don’t have plums? Not at all? None? Yesterday, you had them! Why don’t you order enough plums? Can you look in the back – what if you have some in storage? “

○ Demonstrate with all your appearance that “Everything is lost now!”

By any such actions, we increase our disappointment, put it at the forefront, and deprive ourselves of any opportunity to find harmony and peace under the changed conditions. And in most cases, it is quite possible!

There is a common misconception about acceptance which suggests that to accept means that “you should like this.” But one is not at all equal to the other! Yes, you do not at all like that an illness has disrupted your plans or that the object of your love interest does not have feelings for you. But this cannot be changed. It is important to explain to yourself that even though you do not like it, but this is how things are. And you need to accept it as a fait accompli.

Why is learning to “accept” necessary? Because until this happens, the person remains in a distorted reality and cannot move on.

Tabitha had been seeing Ali for six months and already was already hearing the wedding bells and imagining the two beautiful children that they would parent together. But things worked out differently – Ali admitted that he loved another person and left. Almost a year has passed, but Tabitha is still waiting for his return. She does not date anyone, does not communicate with friends, says that she “does not want to accept it.” But the reality does not change from this, and Tabitha’s life stands still. And something wonderful could already be happening to her.

The formula is: acceptance – awareness – liberation. I accept the fact that this happened (because how can you not accept it?). And I accept my thoughts and feelings associated with it (I am hurt, sad, scared, and anxious). This is my reality – I am not going to try to hide from it, even if I do not like it.

Fritz Perls has a very good phrase: do not push the river, it flows by itself. Not accepting reality is like pushing a river. It is a useless and energy-consuming endeavor. But we need to move forward, right?