You are an adult now… And it would be logical that all the problems with your parents became less significant. But no… If your mom or grandma is of the anxious type – you are stuck. They worry, and worry, and worry… and there is no end in sight.
Valerie is 25. She must come home every night, otherwise, her grandma’s blood pressure goes up and she needs to call an ambulance. If Valerie comes home just one minute after 9 PM, she can already smell medicine when she enters the house, and grandma demonstratively is lying on the couch in the living room with a wet towel over her head. She looks reproachfully at Valerie and speaks in a weak, sickly voice… And Valerie is again forced to tell her man that she is not ready to move in with him yet because her grandmother will not survive it…
Deshaun is 28. His mom carefully monitors his food intake: “What did you eat today sweetie? You must eat only healthy food. You don’t want another bout of gastritis, do you? I will bring you steamed eggs and chicken soup.” By the way, the last time when Deshaun had gastritis, he was 11…
JoAnn is 28. She is living with her mom because her mom is “afraid” to live alone. Besides, mom is certain that men will only “use” her little daughter, this is why JoAnn is not introducing her boyfriend to her. There will be a scandal and mom will cry again and repeatedly complain about how unhappy they are…
Anxious adult relatives may paralyze the activity of their adult children. Trained with a sense of guilt and increased responsibility, the children are deprived of the opportunity to live their lives, because they need to look back at the worried mother or grandmother all the time, calm them down, sacrifice their desires and interests, just to make them feel good.
An anxious mom unknowingly keeps her son or daughter as close to her as possible. They either become infected with her anxiety or feel poorly hidden irritation, which also cannot be shown because mom wants “what’s best”.
…with good intentions…
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Under the guise of care and over-concern, there is tight total control: what you eat, with whom you communicate, what time you come home, what medications you are taking.
The mother of twenty-four-year-old Iliana, Heather, panicked when she saw that her daughter is packing things and going to live separately. All this was discussed many times, but Heather was hoping that Iliana would change her mind. She tried to convince her daughter that she could not manage, in any way, without her, because she does not know how to cook, fold clothes correctly, and even does not know how to do laundry! Iliana did not give up, and her mother shouted in despair: “I will even allow you to come home later!”
Sometimes the cases are not so egregious, but this makes them no less burdensome.
Andy’s mom asks him in detail about everything: who he meets, who called him, what underwear he bought for himself, how he treats a pimple on his face… Because she is … worried about him…
Anxiety becomes toxic when another person is deemed responsible for it.
Such parents are so scared to become unnecessary, that they do everything to make an adult child as dependent on them as possible, to feel helpless. And then they will take care of him in the way that only parents can.
What can you often hear from anxiously controlling loved ones?
• I am worried about you!
• I do this because I love you very much!
• I will do anything for you!
• Just tell me everything and I will calm down.
• If you do this, I will die.
• I am a vulnerable person, is it really so hard to… (visit me more often, call, do as I want, fulfill my requests, etc.)?
If you recognize the echoes of your situation in these stories, it is time to act.
Yes, you worry about your mother or grandmother and love them. But this does not mean that you should put your life on the altar of their concern, not at all!
– The first thing to understand is that your responsibility and sense of duty allow you to be manipulated. You are not a part of your parents, but a self-sufficient individual. It is important! Therefore, start to get out of the anxiously protective control, at any cost.
What you may encounter: tantrums, pressure, guilt trips, conflicts. But forewarned is forearmed. By delineating clear boundaries, you are not doing anything wrong, trust us! You simply return your life to yourself and separate it from the life of your mother or grandmother.
Dads, by the way, can also be guilty of this, although less often.
Ashley is 34, but her dad is eager to get to know each of her new boyfriends and question them about the seriousness of their intentions. When Ashley felt annoyed and asked not to do this, dad said: “My daughter, I’m just worried about you.”
– Establish boundaries of what is acceptable and adhere to them firmly and calmly.
For instance:
“Mom, I will call you once a day (every other day, once a week), and sometimes will text you on other days.”
“No, you don’t need to bring me a pot of your soup. It is very tasty – you can feed me when I visit you.”
“Mom, I’m sorry that you stayed awake until I got home. But you know, you may well go to bed, everything will be all right.”
– Agree on new communication rules. Be very specific about your wishes.
– Do not be fooled by manipulation, stick to the chosen line of behavior.
And the main thing. The anxiety of your loved ones is their area of responsibility, not yours. Repeat this to yourself more often. You do not commit a crime by living your life the way you want. Honestly.
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