Let’s start with the main thing. The answer to this question is quite short, because half measures do not work where there is violence. But let’s try to talk about it in more detail.
If this is physical aggression… in other words, you are beaten, kicked, pushed… you can only do one thing. You have to leave. You can even call it running away because procrastination can cost you too much. No talking, admonishing, or pleading will help. Of course, you can go through a couple of cycles to make sure… but is it worth it?
If a person breaks objects, hits the wall, breaks a window (mirror, dishes, phone), breaks, and throws your things (or just things)… you have to leave. First of all, because it is a harbinger of physical aggression and in most cases, you will soon see this. It’s not safe to be near this person.
If a person shows themselves unsafe in relation to you or to children, it’s better to leave. What can be included in the concept of “insecurity”? This is easier to feel than to explain. If you feel unsafe, you or your children are threatened, blackmailed, or intimidated (even if they don’t beat you yet), the answer is the same, because nothing good can come out in the case of a relationship founded on fear.
Security is generally the main concept when interacting with anyone. It’s impossible to love, trust, relax, have sex with someone who is a threat. There will be no joy, only anxiety, clamps, and psychological trauma. Interestingly, the feeling of danger and security doesn’t depend on how long you have known a person. Sometimes, even sex with a stranger can be very safe. While intimacy with someone who was happy to humiliate and insult you just a couple of hours ago, makes everything shrink from the fear inside you.
If the person is telling you that they will hurt themselves”: “If you leave, I will hang myself!”, “If you do not do as I want, I will shoot myself”, “I will kill myself because of you” and so on… the best choice is to leave.
Auto-aggression is also aggression, seasoned with some blackmailing. Such an atmosphere can never be safe. Many people are kept from leaving by the fear that the partner will do something to themselves. However, none of them are happy after staying there for another year.
Please remember the following: you are not responsible for someone else’s life and cannot control someone else’s mental disorders. You need to save yourself. In a relationship where you are being blackmailed, you are subjected to extreme stress and emotional pressure and it is dangerous to stay in it.
The most important thing, in this case, is to get out of the victim pattern.
Warning: The fact that you are in an abusive relationship does not mean that it is your fault! It’s not a person’s fault that they are subjected to violence (physical or mental). We insist on this! However, victim-blaming these days is like Hydra that Hercules fought in his second feat. You cut off one head just to see two others growing on its place.
The victim-blaming is a phenomenon where the victim of a crime, accident, or violence is held responsible for what happened. Here are several examples: “There was no reason to wear a short skirt!”, “Why didn’t she just leave him?”, “She wanted it!”.
However, the victim’s strategy is a big problem (not guilt, but trouble!)… thus, it’s necessary to get out of it. To fulfill all the whims of the partner, to suffer humiliation from him, to feel crushed, weak, and violated… all these elements are key stages of the behavior of the victim. Accordingly, it’s important to learn the opposite behavior:
- Don’t give up your boundaries. The most important message that should be conveyed from you in words and actions is the following: “You can’t treat me like this!” If you want to continue to “swallow” the offense, and hope for a miracle, thinking that everything will change and everything will be fine, you plan to send a signal to that person that nothing needs to change. You allow him or her to continue his typical actions.
- Do not be afraid of your partner’s words that you are “bad”, do not be afraid of his displeasure, do not be afraid not to match the role that he has prepared for you. This is difficult, because over the past months (or, rather, years), the habit of pleasing, being obedient, playing by the rules has been formed. However, do you really get anything from it? Do you know how angry family members get when one of them, the most submissive, starts going to a psychologist? The most common accusation is: “You have changed a lot! You are rude and unpleasant now!” Can you guess why? You just stopped being “convenient”. The boundaries were rebuilt, which is very inconvenient for domestic tyrants;
- Develop resistance to manipulation triggers (we have a series of comics about this, be sure to read), and never follow them;
- Have a rescue plan: in case the situation develops in a very bad way (where to turn, who can help and so on).
The most important thing is the following: the abuser cannot be changed. To give him “another chance” is to take away another chance for a good life. Sometimes for life in general. You can only try to rebuild borders when there is no physical violence. It’s possible only when you are not beaten or humiliated; otherwise, there’s only one way out.
You have to leave…!
