For many people, asking for forgiveness is not an easy task. Most often, this is because they associate it with weakness and see it as painful and even humiliating. If you share this perspective, then you need to investigate where it is coming from. Most likely, it comes from childhood when you were forced to say “I am sorry” without understanding what you’ve done wrong.
In fact, asking for forgiveness is absolutely normal and appropriate when you understand that you’ve made a mistake and hurt someone. But you need to do it correctly.
Here are some examples that are not a good way to ask for forgiveness:
“Oh, come on, what are you upset about? This is really nothing!”
“You are overreacting.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you!”
“Yes, I am an idiot – what can you do?”
“You know that I am just kidding around!”, “It was just a joke!”
“Yeah, it was unfortunate”
“What’s the big deal?”
“Well, you brought it on yourself…”
If you want your words to sound like an apology, you must use the formula which has the following components:
1. Acknowledging your mistake
2. Acknowledging the feelings of the offended party
3. Acknowledging the damage done
4. Offering to compensate for the damage
You need to start by acknowledging your responsibility for the mistake. Your counterpart needs to know that you understand that you’ve done something wrong and are not denying it.
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Then you must acknowledge the feelings of the offended party without denying or devaluing them. How to deny and devalue? See the examples above.
At the end of your apology, you need to acknowledge the damage done and offer compensation. This shows that you care about the relationship and are ready to make up for your mistake.
“I am very sorry that I forgot about our night out. I understand that you must have felt horrible waiting for me at the movie theater. You must be mad at me. Please forgive me. Let me take you out for dinner and buy tickets for the next movie. Sounds good?”
“I should not have spoken to you in this manner, even more so in front of other people. I was wrong. I made you feel uncomfortable. I am very sorry. Please forgive me. What can I do to make it up to you?”
“I had no right to comment about your personal life and your choices. It was my mistake. You are an adult, and you decide what is best for you. I probably hurt you a lot when I said that you should not be seeing him… Please forgive me. Let me take out one of these days?”
A mother says to her adolescent daughter: “I should not have tidied up your closet and dresser. You have asked me not to touch your things. You have the right to be angry with me. I am sorry, I will not do it again. What can I do to make you feel better?”
When we learn to communicate correctly, our lives become easier and more joyful. And this is a worthy goal, isn’t it?
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