My loved one has an addiction. How to discuss it?

A step-by-step guide for those who want to try to help. Part III

Today we are finishing preparing for a conversation with your dependent loved one – and finally, we will learn about resistance. It is often confused with laziness, demotivation, and procrastination. But it is neither of those things.

Resistance is a psychological defense. People experience it when they have no confidence that they will cope with the situation, or there are some significant risks that threaten their personality, or this activity just seems pointless.

Resistance has important characteristics.

1. It always arises for a reason – for a significant, although not always obvious reason.
2. It takes a huge amount of energy, sometimes much more than the action from which the psyche is trying to “protect” the person.
3. It is important to understand the reason for its appearance, and not to try to overcome it by brute force.

Everyone participating in a schema of dependency/codependency has a lot of resistance. And each participant experiences it in their own way.

Dependent people:

They resist by using their usual methods to reduce anxiety – drinking, taking drugs, gambling, shopping, working non-stop, etc. They also react to any intrusions with familiar responses: resentment, aggression, avoiding conversations, etc. Sometimes the addict can formally agree to treatment or go to a psychologist – but behaves indifferently, without being involved.

A dependent person has an illusory idea of ​​themselves that does not correspond to reality. They may think that they are, as before, a “great catch”, or a skilled specialist, or a wonderful father or mother – and not notice that all this is in the past and the situation has changed long ago.

And they may also have an illusory idea about ​​their capabilities. The addict really believes that they can quit at any moment, that they are just “taking a break” because their life is difficult, and nobody understands them…

Sometimes an addict has a vague, indistinct feeling that something magical is about to happen – and everything will change. By itself. They can continue to live the way they live. And bam – and a miracle will happen. Their life will improve, relations with their loved ones will get better, and their status and successes will return …

Codependent people:

Oddly enough, but codependent people also unconsciously resist changes because the way everything is arranged now is a bad but familiar system, and it’s scary to “ruin” it. Their internal anxiety requires that they try to preserve the status quo.

And then codependents begin to support the existing scheme with all their actions – of course, unconsciously.

Within this disharmonious system, codependents may seek secondary benefits. It is important to find the strength to see these aspects. 

They may feel entitled to certain preferential treatment: “What kind of career growth you are talking about when my husband is an alcoholic?”, “My boss could have been more accommodating – he knows my situation…”

Secondary benefits, that is, those benefits and rewards that a person receives from the problem, are also not easy to track: “I will take care of my son, not my personal life” (it’s scary to deal with my personal life – I may be rejected, for example). “Building a career is not for me. My husband is a gambler. There is no money for studying.” – I have an excuse not to try to take care of my own life).

For your dialogue to develop, you need to analyze whether you have internal resistance. Do you fear making everything even worse?

All these illusions, secondary benefits, ineffective attitudes can greatly complicate the conversation if they are not considered. But we have prepared well – and now we are ready to go directly to motivation.

How, after all, to talk to a person who is hiding from this important conversation?

We will tell you that in the next, final article of our guide.