Everything in this world has boundaries: a house, a state, a lake, patience… And a person, of course, has boundaries too. However, not everyone is aware of them. even though personal boundaries are being talked about a lot nowadays.
Emotional boundaries are the invisible barrier that protects a person’s emotional world. It is the line between their emotions and feelings and the emotions and feelings of other people.
A huge number of people do not feel where they end, and another person begins. They do not have the skill of separating their feelings from the feelings of others. This is because they did not have an opportunity to learn this skill. When parents deny a child’s feelings, devalue them, forbid to show them – this affects people into adulthood. The person simply does not know that another way is possible.
Let’s talk about violations of emotional boundaries in more detail.
1. “Why are you frowning? Have you decided to be angry with your mother? “Oh, look who is crying! Wipe your nose quickly – you are acting like a girl! “
These are classic versions of the suppression of a child’s emotions. In our culture, “boys do not cry”, and girls are not allowed to be angry. Such manifestations are often harshly suppressed through direct veto or ridicule (passive aggression).
In adulthood, it looks almost the same.
Martha was divorcing her husband. The process was long and painful. Once Martha’s mother called her and heard her weeping. Martha was exhausted and almost had a nervous breakdown. Martha’s mom is a reserved lady, no one has ever seen her cry and even show any strong emotion. In a dry, harsh voice she ordered Martha to calm down and shamed her: “There is no need to sob here – this is your own fault. What if your children will see this disgrace? Hide your tears – let no one see them.”
2. “Why cry over such nonsense?”, “What’s a big deal? Pull yourself together! “,” You will have a hundred of these singing competitions!”, “You were friends for only six months. Why are you so upset that she found another friend?”
Here it is – the devaluation familiar to many of us. No, your feelings are not that important. They are excessive or wrong. It’s not worth it. You attach too much importance to what is happening.
These are the messages “hiding between the lines”. But it is easy to recognize them.
3. “Stop making things up – I didn’t say that!”, “You are imagining – your dad meant something completely different!”, “It just seems to you that you are angry – in reality, you are not.”
These phrases convey that you made a mistake with your feelings (how this is even possible?). They are being questioned. The way you feel is somehow “wrong”.
At consultations with a psychologist, one of the most frequent questions is: “What if I feel wrong?” This is the result of past violations of emotional boundaries.
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4. “Good girls don’t behave like that!”, “Only bad people speak to their parents like this”, “You must be ashamed of your feelings and words”.
Which one of us was not shamed as a child? There may be a few lucky ones. Meanwhile, this is one of the most useless methods in terms of making improvements, and one of the most harmful in terms of consequences. To shame means to manipulate. To be angry is shameful, to cry is shameful, to be upset in public is shameful.
5. “We got sick”. “We want to go to the playground” – when talking about a child. “We are not in the mood” – when talking about a spouse.
Transferring your feelings onto other people is also a violation of the emotional boundaries of another person. Most often, mothers “merge” with their children (even adult ones), unconsciously believing and acting as if their feelings are the same. This “merging” allows them to speak on behalf of another person. This is not right and is also a violation of boundaries.
Emotional boundaries are necessary: they give us the required peace of mind and protection, preserve our values, and allow us to feel psychological safety. Psychological distance is not optional – it is the only way to maintain your integrity.
How can you begin to form the boundaries, if so far there has been an open field instead of them?
○ Start building up emotional intelligence. Without it – there is no chance. We recommend taking our course “Emotional Intelligence”: it will help you a lot with this task. This course will allow you to get acquainted with all the basic emotions and feelings. And homework assignments will take you to a whole new level of EI.
○ If your emotional boundaries are often tested, you need to analyze your attitude towards them. Probably, you are not aware of them either.
○ Get to know your emotions and feelings, especially difficult ones: anger, sadness, resentment, shame, guilt, etc. Study your attitude towards these feelings.
○ Practice not to dissolve in other people, not to lose yourself. For example, it helps to consciously return yourself to reality when other people’s experiences pull you in. “I’m Nancy. My friend is worried and I sympathize with her, but these are her emotions, not mine. I can not drown in them – but I can support my friend from the outside. “
Gradually, you will begin to “catch” other people’s manipulations and those moments when your boundaries are violated in one way or another. And you also will learn not to enter someone else’s territory.
And this is very important for having a harmonious life!
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