Direct messages. What they are and how to create them?

Do we know how to communicate? What a strange question! Of course, yes. But… how exactly do we do that? How do we express our thoughts, listen to others, build our phrases? There are different ways to do that. And the results also can be quite different and may or may not satisfy us.

Let’s talk today about messages in a conversation, which may be direct or double.

Double messages are the simultaneous broadcast of two opposite ideas: a person says one thing out loud, but with facial expressions, gestures, and the tone of voice – something completely different.

Here are examples of simple double messages:

• “No, I am not offended!” – spoken in an irritated tone, not looking into the eyes, loudly, pushing away the outstretched hand.

• “Will you stay for lunch?” “No” (at the same time the person sits down at the table, takes a fork, and moves the plate towards them)

• “Yes, this dress suits you” (simultaneous pursing of lips, critical glance)

Does this sound familiar?

Here are examples of more complex double messages.

A mother says to her son: “I love you no matter what!” At the same time, she stops talking, punishing the son with silence when he brings home bad grades. The child makes a logical conclusion that in the case of bad grades and in general when he does not meet expectations, he is not loved.

It is not surprising that a person receiving double messages is lost, because what he sees and feels does not correspond to what he hears. Therefore, it is not clear how to react.

Victor asked Nafisa if she would mind if his friends from work would come to their place in the evening – they would drink beer and watch football. Nafisa was very upset – she hoped that they would spend Friday evening together. But she texted Victor “As you wish.” Victor saw only agreement and came home with his buddies. Nafisa was silent the whole evening. And after the friends left, she complained to Victor. He was surprised “But you agreed! I asked you about it! “

A direct message suggests that the context corresponds to the message. Without sarcasm, irony, jokes, and impersonal pronouns – it transmits exactly what the person thinks and feels. It is a clear indication of their desires and needs.

In the story with Victor and Nafisa, it would sound like this:

“You know, I would really like to spend this evening alone with you. Could you reschedule your meeting with your friends for another day? “

Shall we practice some more?

The wife often makes fun of her husband publicly. He is offended but tries not to show it.

• Double messaging: What a witty wife I have! (said with a smirk)
• Direct messaging: Natalie, I hate such jokes. They offend me.

Kathy is upset at her partner because he spends little time with her.

• Double messaging: she stops making breakfast, taking him to work, hoping that he would connect the dots and take a hint.
• Direct messaging. “Den, I miss your attention and support.”

• Double messaging: “This report will give me a heart attack!”
• Direct messaging. “Please help me with the report”

• Double messaging: “Of course you are always busy!”
• Direct messaging. “Let’s spend time together?”

SAFETY WARNING: Direct messages are not meant to be rude or offensive. Any expression of feelings must be careful and respectful.

It seems obvious that direct messages outperform double ones. Why, then, do we so rarely hear and use them?

The answer is simple: fear gets in the way. The fear of rejection (what if I say and they won’t talk to me?). The fear of conflict (I don’t want to fight). The fear of guilt (he will be offended, and I will be guilty of ruining the relationship). The fear of breaking out of habitual patterns (“It somehow sounds stupid… What, just say what I think? “)

But… maybe overcoming these fears is worth it? Maybe without hints, riddles, and puzzles, communication will become more real and sincere?

In addition, the likelihood that we will be heard and understood correctly increases dramatically – and this in itself is a great win.